Monday, February 27, 2006

Hillary Says "Karl Rove Obsessing About Me"

Washington - 2008 Presidential wannabe Hillary Clinton quipped early Monday that White House advisor Karl Rove and President Bush spend, “a lot of time obsessing about me.”

“That’s only partially true,” said an anonymous White House source close to the Oval Office. “George Bush could really care less. He’s got bigger things to worry about and, on his last term in office, running for re-election is not one of them. Karl Rove on the other hand does do a lot of obsessing about her. In fact, I dropped by his office unannounced once and caught him in, *ahem*, what I would term as a ‘private moment’. There were pictures of Mrs. Clinton taped up on the walls all around his desk. He was buck naked and watching a videotape of Hillary’s speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention while dripping hot candle wax on his nipples. He didn’t see me walk in at first but once he did, he shot me a look that made my blood run cold and said, ‘Are you bastards ever going to learn to knock or am I going to have to start charging you deviants admission?’”

Karl Rove is not the only Washington politico to be obsessing about Hillary Clinton. Policymakers on both sides of the aisle are apparently smitten by the former first lady. Former presidential hopeful John Kerry was rumored to have been apprehended outside of a window to her D.C. apartment with a high powered camera and pictures of her in various stages of undress were allegedly found on his computer. “The 700 Club” host Pat Robertson has also run afoul of New York’s anti-stalking law for camping out in a café Senator Clinton frequents hoping to catch a glimpse of her. “I can’t help it,” a tearful Robertson pleaded upon his arrest by members of the Secret Service. “No matter what I do she won’t return my calls!” Former House Speaker and 2008 presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich reportedly even has a tattoo of her. “Sure do!” Gingrich answered when asked about the body art. “It’s on my fanny captioned with the phrase ‘Born to Ride!’ In fact, (former Attorney General) Janet Reno liked it so much that she got one on her lower back. It only shows when she’s wearing her leather motorcycle chaps though.”

The Hillary obsession has even crossed oceans. French President Jacques Chirac was rumored to have told a visiting diplomat from Libya, “I’d tag that” while they were discussing her chances of victory in the 2008 presidential race. “It doesn’t really mean anything though,” the diplomat later expounded, trying to downplay the comment. “He said the very same thing about (former UN weapons Inspector) Hans Blix. Jacques is a very virile specimen.”

The Hillary obsession, though gaining momentum rapidly, is not yet universal. When asked about the phenomenon, former president Bill Clinton asked close friend and confidante James Carville, “Hillary? Was that the chick with the cigars or the one with the funky nose?”

“Neither. She was the one at your wedding that smelled like stale feet.” Carville replied.

2 Comments:

Blogger Sacto Ritch said...

The very thought of Hillary compels my scrotum to take refuge in the inner most reaches of my body.
There's something about her "cankles" and her screechy, overbearing, shrill voice that makes the phrase "Dude, I wouldn't f*%k her with your dick." comes to mind.

SactoRitch

1:19 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

Power, brother. Actually I find her inflated sense of self importance hilarious though.

4:53 PM  

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