Sunday, February 19, 2006

A Taste of Something Different

Well, this is a little departure from the usual content here on The JEP Report, but I invented something last night that was just too awesome to keep to myself.

In addition to my hobbies of trying to acquire a debilitating case of cirrhosis and my passion for fishing, I also like to cook. It’s the way I maintain my girlish figure (or rather, the figure of a girl who forgot to take her birth control pill on prom night anyway). Last night I created a dish, two actually, that was the epitome of culinary ecstasy. If any of you are so inclined, I would highly recommend you give it a try what follows is the recipe:


1 lb bow tie pasta.
1 lb bacon
2 chicken breasts
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 yellow bell pepper
1 large hot Hungarian banana pepper
3 Mild Pepperonicci
1 red onion
3 green onions
1 can Chipotle peppers
6 cloves garlic
1 stick margarine
1 pint half and half
7 – 8 pitted Greek black olives
1/3 cup balsalmic vinegar
2/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
4 oz crumpled feta cheese
2 bottles Heineken beer
dried cilantro


1. Cook bacon in large skillet, eat four pieces then chop the rest into small pieces.
2. Cut green, red, and yellow peppers.
a. Cut half of pepper in thin long strips and place in bowl for chicken dish.
b. Dice other half in fine, small pieces for pasta salad.
3. Cut Hungarian banana pepper into small pieces for pasta salad.
4. Cut red onion in half.
a. Cut half of onion in thin long strips and place in bowl for chicken dish.
b. Dice other half in fine, small pieces for pasta salad.
5. Dice black olives and place in bowl for pasta salad.
6. Dice pepperonicci and place in bowl for pasta salad.
7. Remove 4 chipotle peppers from can and dice, putting into bowl for the chicken dish.
8. Dice green onions and set aside separate from the pasta salad and chicken vegetables.
9. Mince garlic. Place half in bowl for chicken dish, other half in bowl for salad.
10. Dice chicken breasts into cubes and cook in a large skillet in 1/3 cup of olive oil over medium high heat. When done put in a separate bowl with half of the cooked bacon bits.
11. Sit back on couch for a couple minutes, drink 1 Heineken to kind of get your culinary groove on while watching reruns of Law and Order: SVU on TBS.

Chicken Dish

Bring 4 quarts of water to a boil, add bowtie pasta.
Melt stick of margarine in a large skillet, add one cup half and half. Bring to a boil then reduce heat to a simmer, stirring constantly for about 20 minutes until sauce starts to thicken slightly, (Sauce will not get real thick).
After 10 minutes, add bowl of vegetables for the chicken dish to the skillet with as much of the sauce (red adobo) from the can of chipotle peppers as possible (2-3 teaspoons)
When pasta is done, strain and toss to remove excess water. Take 1/3 of pasta and throw in skillet. Add chicken and bacon and cook over medium heat for five or six minutes or until chicken is warm.
Dish up on plates or bowls, sprinkle with cilantro and half of chopped green onion.

Pasta Salad

1. Take remaining pasta and rinse with cold water until cool to the touch. Toss to remove excess water and then place in large mixing bowl.
2. Add bowl of finely diced vegetables, 1/3 cup of balsalmic vinegar, 1/3 cup of olive oil, feta cheese, remaining green onions and mix thoroughly.
3. Serve immediately or chill.
4. Drink remaining Heineken as reward for a job well done

Bon Appetit!

Now I just have to come up with a name for my creations and reassure my readership that , yes, I am really straight.


Blogger andywlr said...

Hey, I come here for the incisive wit and political mumbo-jumbo, not freakin' pasta recipes!

1:56 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

C'mon Andy! Broaden those horizons!

2:12 PM  
Anonymous Mother Mayhem said...


It sounds like you were ready to smoke a cigarette after getting done with it all. Well done-not many people can claim the fame of have two flashes of inspiration, let alone two in the same night.

While I have to agree with Andy that it wasn't what I expected when I hit your site, it is an interesting diversion, one that would make any mother proud. By the way, can you explain the slightly concerning correlation with the end of the football season and your budding career as a chef? The Pro Bowl was played last Sunday and this Sunday you start playing Julia Child. While there are similarities between you two including the figure, fondness for drinking-was she drinking or did she always just sound like she was-spending time in the Far East compliments of Uncle Sam and time in Paris, are they really that many that your avid readers should be concerned??

Your slightly concerned Mother

3:07 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

Don't know, Mother. If my virility starts to wane and I find myself fantasizing about Emeril Legasse to bring it back, I'm going to look into starting therapy.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Trae said...

Very nice presentation. I am surprised both Andy and Solo (or at least Solo) aren't raving about the dish seeing as it's pepperlicious!

I sure hope Solo tries this and brings it to work this week.

(Hint, Hint)


8:32 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

You kidding? Andy was the first one to complain, he ain't cooking it.

There's hope from Solo though, he hasn't chimed in yet.

(Do it Dude! Chicks dig guys that can cook!)

8:41 PM  
Blogger andywlr said...

How about some home decor tips Jep? I'm kidding of course, I do quite a bit of cooking myself.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Solo said...

Fine, but I'm gonna start with the two Heinekens...maybe three, and take it from there.

12:51 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

For Andy, my next article will be a tribute to the doily.

And for Solo, two Heinekens is perfect way to star any truly epic culinary undertaking.

6:11 AM  
Blogger Sacto Ritch said...

Who you callin' sober you non-drinking, 12 steppin', son of a b^#*%h! If I could remember your name I'd kick your scrawny.. Hey, Did you say you're gonna talk about doilies?


7:15 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

The JEP Report Store Reader Sites
  • Inflammable Hamster
  • Right Michigan
  • Great Writing