Thursday, February 16, 2006

Riots Persist in Pakistan, Spurned on by Islamic Extremists or Militant Vegans

I'm going to try this parody news stuff for a while until I think of something better...or the readers cry, "Uncle!"
Lahore – Muslim protesters stormed a diplomatic compound in Lahore in a continuance of the religious strife sparked by the publication of cartoon depicting the prophet Muhammad in a Danish newspaper that many in the Islamic world have deemed blasphemous. The carnage in Lahore has so far claimed a McDonald’s restaurant, a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise and a Norwegian telecommunications store in what has been proclaimed as a savage blow against decadent western capitalism in this deeply traditional and devout society. To further emphasize their point, rioters also paraded a statue of Ronald McDonald through the streets before burning it in effigy, bring joy to coulrophobics across the globe.

It may seem confusing to some how two American fast food restaurants and a Norwegian cell phone kiosk could be connected to a Danish newspaper cartoon, but there appears to be little tradition of logical thought in this part of the world where a significant portion of the population is schooled in madrassas, where the educational emphasis is on memorizing the Koran and traditional scholastic subjects such as reading, writing and arithmetic are virtually ignored. This lack of curricular diversity becomes spectacularly obvious when interviewing those participating in the unrest. Several illiterate rioters were severely burned while trying to torch western businesses, apparently unable to read the warnings on the books of matches they were using that begged them to “Close cover before striking.”

One man, identified as Hr4p# (due to him being blessed with a name that proved just as difficult for him to spell as it was for this reporter to pronounce), emerged from the burning McDonald’s with his arms full of food and a beaming smile to announce, “This will teach the infidels to soil the name of the prophet with their blasphemous drawings! What makes them think they have the right to disrespect our religion and us, us poor Muslims who never did any harm to anybody?” Hr4p#’s eyes then darted around nervously as he reached into the bundle of looted food beneath his arm to retrieve a Big Mac made with 100% American beef. With an almost pleading expression on his face, Hr4p# then asked, “You know where I can find a Hindu to eat this in front of?”

Amazingly, Hr4p# was one of the better informed rioters. A man named Ismael knew he was protesting cartoons, but thought the aim of their effort was to get Garfield withdrawn from the local newspaper. “Twenty years of jokes about lasagna is too much. Enough already!” Amir, another rioter, thought their protests were a call to Bill Waterson to emerge from retirement to resurrect the strip Calvin and Hobbes. He claimed that he could be persuaded to stay home in peace however if someone would be kind enough to send him one of those “pissing Calvin” rear window stickers for his taxicab. Others were incensed because another, lesser known, scandal broke at the time of the Danish cartoons when the Pakistani press leaked that the Simpson’s character Apu, was not in fact a Pakistani Muslim but instead an Indian Hindu. Up until that revelation, Apu had been a role model in the area surrounding Lahore and was revered as a national hero.

Not all of the rioters were concerned with the Danish cartoon however. Some were participating in the violence for purely secular reasons. Abu Bhutto, one of the men who initially firebombed the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise, denied being disturbed by the Danish drawings depicting the prophet Mohammad. “I just wanted the extra crispy recipe chicken.” When asked if he had been goaded by al Qaeda or Taliban elements to commit the attack he shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and answered, “Yes. They want the extra crispy recipe too. And a couple of cole slaws.”


Blogger Solo said...

Ha! This is great stuff, keep it up JEP. mmmm...extra crispy chicken...

7:47 AM  
Blogger Sacto Ritch said...

I'm pretty sure I don't have the vocabulary to describe my dislike for that whole section of the planet. I truly wish there were a solution to the stupidity of the region. IT'S A F*&#ING CARTOON YOU MORONS!!I do agree Garfiels is truly a stain on our culture but I'm not burning down our local Karachi Fried Chicken.
The blatant hypocracy of the Islamic world is maddening. Their lack of tolerance of anything other than Islam is enough to make sane, rational people like me want to nuke the entire middle east. I really do hate to think that way about an entire culture, but when all you see is the rampant violence and destruction fueled by imams who want the world to bow to their way of thinking, I want blood, and lots of it.
Sorry to be so heavy and rant like that. I guess just let them burn their KFC to the ground. Their economy will be the one hurt by it. I suppose all their chicken will be extra, extra crispy for awhile.


12:05 AM  
Blogger JEP said...

I don’t know what disturbs me more about this whole situation myself, the incredibly hypocritical outrage the Muslim world is expressing at these cartoons or the fact that our media is now checking its news coverage so as not to offend Islamic sensitivities. Personally, I think that printing the cartoon in the first place was a spectacular exercise in incredibly poor judgment. Once the cartoon itself became news however, NOT printing it became journalistic negligence and was the first step of the world’s free presses towards capitulating to Muslim extremism. Like I needed yet another reason to distrust of the coverage of traditional American media outlets.

As for the reaction of the Islamic world itself, in my opinion, if the imams want to demand that people in other parts of the world respect their religious beliefs, they need to start respecting the beliefs of other societies first. Until they start doing that, I personally could care less how offended they get by anything. If they want to riot over what they perceive as blasphemy, and burn down the places in which they live, more power to them. It’ll save us the trouble of having to burn it down ourselves later if the violence spills over their borders and into ours.

It’s kind of shame that a society with such a rich past has such a bleak future. Tragically, despite the extremist rhetoric that the Islamic burden can be blamed on western exploitation, they’re bringing most of the misery upon themselves.

By the way Ritch, who ever called you a sane and rational human being? Did you accidentally talk to someone while sober or something?

3:51 PM  

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