Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Saddam Hussein on Hunger Strike

What the hell…making up news is much more fun than actually reading it.

Baghdad - Saddam Hussein announced during his trial that he was embarking upon a hunger strike to protest the conditions of his trial. The former Iraqi dictator claims that the court is operating with an inherent bias against him and his trial has been ongoing despite glaring irregularities in the proceedings.

Procedural irregularities have occurred regularly with the latest coming with the installation of a new judge to oversee the trial last January. Upon taking the bench, Chief Justice Raouf Abdel-Rahman asked Saddam how he wanted to plea, to which the former dictator replied, “Not guilty”. Judge Abdel-Rahman then stood up and exclaimed, “Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!” pronounced the defendant guilty, sentenced him to death and told the court bailiff that he may fire when ready. Saddam Hussein’s immediate execution was prevented only when an Amnesty International representative threw one of the defendant’s attorneys into the line of fire to shield the former dictator while he decried a blatant and unforgivable miscarriage of justice. International observers then interjected and demanded a recess to allow the defendants and their attorneys to regain their composure, allow the judge to be instructed upon what a trial actually is, allow the bailiff to be told to not be so quick on the draw and allow the courthouse janitorial staff ample time to clean up the mess beneath Saddam Hussein’s chair while the defendant and his former henchmen changed into clean clothes and receive absorbent undergarments.

Chief Justice Raouf Abdel-Rahman blamed the circus following the foiled execution on occupational incompetence and western ignorance of Middle Eastern judiciary tradition. “We have been holding trials in Mesopotamia since the dawn of civilization,” Judge Abdel-Rahman explained later. “And in all that time we have discovered a basic tenet of judiciary procedure, lost to the west, that has allowed our system of justice survive throughout the centuries. That tenet is that the judge must get the accused before the accused gets the judge.”

This Middle Eastern model of justice, used with ruthlessness by Saddam Hussein himself to obliterate his political rivals, is the very institution he is now protesting by threatening to starve himself to death. According to prison officials speaking on condition of anonymity, Hussein began his hunger strike early this morning but few expected it to last much more than a few days. “He already tried to steal a Twinkie from the pocket of one of his guards after leaving the courthouse and, just two hours before dinner, he is in his cell sobbing hysterically and asking passerby if anyone could spare him a Cheeto. It’s really quite pathetic actually. You’d think he’d been smoking pot or something.”


Anonymous Aussie said...

Stall the proceedings and let him starve to death - think of the money saved on food alone !
The other option is to hand him over to a room full of his victims family members and let them slowly disembowel him with their bare hands.
Sure it will cost a bit to them all over to the US - but very satisfying !

12:38 AM  

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