Friday, February 17, 2006

UN Urges US to Close Gitmo Detention Facility

Geneva – A UN report today urged the United States to close down its terrorist detention facility in Guantanamo Bay Cuba and strongly suggested that either the US release all detainees or bring them to trial. The report was composed by special investigators from Austria, Argentina, New Zealand, Algeria (apparently a stalwart champion of human rights causes when the government is not too busy torturing, raping and indiscriminately massacring rebellious villagers in its remote interior) and Pakistan (many of whose citizens aspire to be inmates in Guantanamo some day).

When asked about what the administration thought about the report from the UN, one high-ranking official of the State Department replied, “U-who?”

“No, those were the guys who won the Grammy for that Vertigo album,” replied another high ranking diplomat standing closely behind the first. “The guy’s asking about the UN. You know, those guys that do….well, they do…Hell, I’m not sure what it is that they do.” The official then flagged down a foreign diplomat who just happened to be passing by and asked if he knew what it was the UN did.

“Sure beats the hell out of me…” answered the diplomat, who turned out to be from Rwanda.


The report issued by the United Nations initially provoked little reaction from many American politicians. “They did what?” asked US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld when informed of the report. “Hehehehehe….Those people are just so cute when they get their panties all up in a bunch.”

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice thought them less cute and immediately traveled to the UN building in New York to make a motion to institute mandatory drug testing on United Nations personnel before they were issued a computer to write up human rights reports. She made two other motions before the General Assembly that afternoon. In addition to the drug testing, she moved to have the Secretary General urge the delegate from France to refrain from putting his hand on her knee while she was addressing the assembly and, after Kofi Anan ordered French Foreign Secretary Dominique de Villepin to remove the offending appendage, moved to have another resolution passed to make him take it off of her thigh.

This last resolution was indeed passed but, as the UN was being characteristically reluctant to enforce it, Secretary Rice acted unilaterally and devastatingly planted a stiletto high-heeled shoe in the French Foreign Minister’s groin. The French Foreign Minister protested this blatant display of American unilateralism in very strong, albeit very high-pitched, language. “$#!%*& dyke…” de Villepin gasped as he was being loaded onto a gurney on his way to undergo surgery to have his left testicle removed from his larynx. The vast majority of the General Assembly echoed de Villepin’s sentiment, aghast at what they saw as Secretary Rice’s arrogance and enthusiasm to resort to violence without a unanimous international consensus.

Protests against Secretary Rice’s unilateral actions were not confined to the international community. Senator Ted Kennedy emerged from a cognac coma long enough to deride the Secretary of State for not exhausting all diplomatic avenues before resorting to violence. He also expressed his condolences to de Villepin and wished him a full and speedy recovery, expressing fraternal solidarity with the French Foreign Minister by stating, “I know what Monsieur de Villepin is feeling right now.”

“He sure does,” responded the Massachusetts senator’s ex wife, Virginia. “When you follow the Kennedy tradition of trying to feel up the help after a few shots of Jaegermeister, you have the tendency to get kicked in the ‘gnads a lot. Yes, Senator Kennedy knows EXACTLY what the French Foreign Minister is going through.”

An official response to the UN report from the United States came Thursday afternoon at a press briefing by White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “The UN can pretty much go pack sand.” He said before leaving the podium in what may easily have been the shortest press briefing in White House history.

Predictably, the administration’s response provoked instant outrage among the international community, outrage that caused the administration to soften its tone and extend a conciliatory gesture towards the United Nations a little later in the evening. At an impromptu press conference held at a Maryland Appleby’s restaurant where members of the media found George Bush elbow deep into a platter of baby back ribs, the president apologized for McClellan’s bluntness and said, “All of us in my administration apologize for my press secretary’s brash response. In fact, the vice-president is so disturbed by the way things have turned out that he would like me to extend a personal invitation to Kofi Annan to accompany him on a moose hunting expedition in Minnesota next week.”

When asked if his softened tone meant that he would at least consider closing the detention facility in Cuba, the president thought to himself for a long moment before responding, “No, the UN can pretty much go pack sand on that one.”

United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan could not be reached for comment regarding the president’s latest comments or whether or not he would accept Vice President Dick Cheney’s invitation to join him on a moose hunt. UN spokespeople explained he was being fitted for Kevlar undergarments before embarking on a flight to an undisclosed location, out of eyeshot, and consequently firing range, of the American vice president.

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