Monday, February 20, 2006

Latest Bin Laden Tape Released

Cairo – Arab news television channel al-Jazeera broadcast an audiotape of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden Sunday where the world’s most hunted fugitive vowed to never be taken alive.

This latest bin Laden tape was actually received and partially released by al-Jazeera last month, who was unable to broadcast the message in full for fear of Arab backlash if they tried to pre-empt regularly scheduled programming of shows such as “Desperate Housewives” and “American Idol”. Al Jazeera believed that Arab audiences (not to mention Bryant Gumbel) would be less enraged by an interruption of 2006 Winter Olympics coverage, figuring that most of their viewers are as ignorant of snow sports as they are about the machinations of free speech.

Though there are sure to be thousands of militants around to hang on the al Qaeda leader’s every word, there was little on the tape of any real interest to the western world. At one point he vowed that he would never be taken alive, but as Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld put it, “That’s what all the big guys say when the marines aren’t around. Once they’re pulled out of their grimy little spider holes though, they’re wanting their mamas and forgetting all that potty training they were taught as children. It’s the little guys, the rank and file grunts, that go all the way. Al Qaeda’s leadership just talks tough until they realize we’re going to take their press coverage away.”

Bin Laden did however issue the same list of demands he has been, well, demanding since before 9/11. He wants a full withdrawal of non-Muslim troops from Middle Eastern soil, the obliteration of Israel, the adaptation of Sharia Law worldwide, a kosher KFC and nude pictures of the Olsen twins. Former President Jimmy Carter seemed to suggest that President Bush should at least consider granting some of bin Laden’s demands as a goodwill gesture. “At least give him the pictures of the twins. That would do us all a little good.”

When informed of Carter’s comments, President Bush produced one of his trademark pauses before saying, “I ain’t got any pictures of the Olsen twins. If he’s interested though, the Department of Homeland Security has a pretty good portfolio of Janet Reno in a wet t-shirt. Or was that Andy Rooney? Sh**, I never could tell those two apart.”

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