I Need A New Bar
My favorite bar has met its demise and rumor has it that my backup will soon follow it into oblivion. That means I need to find a new haunt. My requirements for a new watering hole are:
1. Is centrally located
1. Is centrally located
2. Has good beer and a wide selection of premium liquor (past experience tells me that I have very discerning taste buds until our seventh serving, after which I can drink dirty dishwater without getting all whiney about it).
3. Serves Buffalo Wings or some other sort of filling food that will at least give me a fighting chance at the first sobriety checkpoint I come across on the way home.
4. Is presided over by an understanding bartender that will not cut you off for trying to make it to the bathroom on all fours.
5. Must have quality eating utensils, made of a premium metal alloy that will not bend easily under duress and are sharpened to a level that would be found acceptable to a samurai swordsmith. You never know when you might need them to fend off an invading band of Hell’s Angels, battle a fifteen-foot-tall, three-headed, venomous hallucination brought on by a Jaegermeister overdose, silence a snitch or keep the wait staff from getting cheeky.
6. Though not mandatory, having an aquarium handy would be nice too in case someone needs to get sick.
7. I would also like to see our new bar equipped with a video surveillance system so that future outings can be financed by selling recordings of our antics to the producers of the Overweight-Balding-Middle-Aged-Managers-With-Stalled-Careers-Employed-In-A-Dying-Industry GONE WILD!!! series of home videos.
8. I am not sure why, but I have found that some of my best drinking experiences have been in places that employ Rastafarians as dishwashers. It just adds something to the atmosphere that makes you think of soothing tropical beaches, steel drums, cool ocean breezes and Cheetos. Lots and lots of Cheetos. And Chips Ahoy! cookies, too.
9. The bartender should be able to mix, from memory, at least 27 drinks made with vodka, 25 made with tequila, 16 with rum, 4 with corn mash moonshine and be able to concoct at least one chaser with Windex as the main ingredient. Extra points could be awarded to him for also being able to produce, on demand, an eclectic mix of vintage industrial solvents inhaled out of a brown paper bag.
10. Pets should be allowed on the premises, since there are so many neat bar tricks that can be performed using furry animals. Seeing-eye dogs in particular can provide hours of entertainment to a sociopathic inebriate.