Friday, August 03, 2007

I Need A New Bar

My favorite bar has met its demise and rumor has it that my backup will soon follow it into oblivion. That means I need to find a new haunt. My requirements for a new watering hole are:

1. Is centrally located

2. Has good beer and a wide selection of premium liquor (past experience tells me that I have very discerning taste buds until our seventh serving, after which I can drink dirty dishwater without getting all whiney about it).

3. Serves Buffalo Wings or some other sort of filling food that will at least give me a fighting chance at the first sobriety checkpoint I come across on the way home.

4. Is presided over by an understanding bartender that will not cut you off for trying to make it to the bathroom on all fours.

5. Must have quality eating utensils, made of a premium metal alloy that will not bend easily under duress and are sharpened to a level that would be found acceptable to a samurai swordsmith. You never know when you might need them to fend off an invading band of Hell’s Angels, battle a fifteen-foot-tall, three-headed, venomous hallucination brought on by a Jaegermeister overdose, silence a snitch or keep the wait staff from getting cheeky.

6. Though not mandatory, having an aquarium handy would be nice too in case someone needs to get sick.

7. I would also like to see our new bar equipped with a video surveillance system so that future outings can be financed by selling recordings of our antics to the producers of the Overweight-Balding-Middle-Aged-Managers-With-Stalled-Careers-Employed-In-A-Dying-Industry GONE WILD!!! series of home videos.

8. I am not sure why, but I have found that some of my best drinking experiences have been in places that employ Rastafarians as dishwashers. It just adds something to the atmosphere that makes you think of soothing tropical beaches, steel drums, cool ocean breezes and Cheetos. Lots and lots of Cheetos. And Chips Ahoy! cookies, too.

9. The bartender should be able to mix, from memory, at least 27 drinks made with vodka, 25 made with tequila, 16 with rum, 4 with corn mash moonshine and be able to concoct at least one chaser with Windex as the main ingredient. Extra points could be awarded to him for also being able to produce, on demand, an eclectic mix of vintage industrial solvents inhaled out of a brown paper bag.

10. Pets should be allowed on the premises, since there are so many neat bar tricks that can be performed using furry animals. Seeing-eye dogs in particular can provide hours of entertainment to a sociopathic inebriate.


Blogger said...

What happened to the old spot and spot number two?

Inquiring minds want to know...


11:15 AM  
Blogger JEP said...

Rumor has it that the first fell victim to liberal swine who taxed the profit right out of it, turning a bustling business into a shining example of urban blight. The second is being torn down to build a strip mall. Actually, the second one is quite a dive and probably contributed to urban blight while it was open. It did however have the best burgers in Michigan!

6:30 AM  
Blogger said...

Gotta love extreme taxation.

Welcome to Michigan, right?


10:59 AM  
Blogger JEP said...

Yes this is exactly one of the reasons why, having become severely disillusioned with the GOP over the past couple of years, I can not bring myself to swing over to the Democrats’ side of the aisle. When the populace of your state is being hit with epidemic unemployment, insane fuel costs (and my European readership can stop laughing about that at any time), record home foreclosure rates, plummeting property values and spectacular reductions of health care benefits in the private sector, what sense does it make to raise taxes and apply even more financial pressure to a constituency that is already teetering on the brink of bankruptcy? How in the world is that supposed to reinvigorate your economy?

Sometimes I think politicians create legislation the same way that I get over a bad case of writer’s block: by washing down a hand full of Ex-Lax with a fifth of tequila and then putting what happens next on paper. The only difference is that I am not doing it literally.

I could rant on and on, but that’s probably much more at home on Nick’s website than on The JEP Report these days. I’ve kind of gotten out of politics here since I am currently finding both American political parties equally infuriating.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Lee said...

Though not in Michigan, Jep, I feel your pain. Of my favorite bars on the planet (all of which served excellent wings or, in one case, a really good Reuben) I've been banned from one, had another become trendy for some reason (that really squeezes the fun out of a place) and am currently living across the state from the third and fourth. The fifth does not serve food, making it dangerous to drink to heavily. It is only a mile and a half from my front door though, and I've stumbled a lot further than that before, sometimes through neighborhoods were a police car hadn't been seen in a decade.
As for your European readership's possible comments about gas prices, its all about perspective. If you take into account the cost of driving from one end of your country to another the average Euro-peon could do it for less that $150. An American attempting to travel from one end of the country to the other couldn't do it for less than the GNP of an emerging African nation (Aside: amissionary recently returned from one of thosecountries Sally Struthers whines about told me he only paid about 23 cents a gallon in one place)

4:47 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

I dunno, Lee. Last time I was in Paris, it cost me $200 just to get from Charles Degaulle airport to my hotel near Versailles. Then again, the cab driver was from Africa and did not seem to speak much French, let alone English. We probably arrived there via Rio de Janeiro.

5:39 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

The JEP Report Store Reader Sites
  • Inflammable Hamster
  • Right Michigan
  • Great Writing