Thursday, May 10, 2007

Lip Service

So, me and my wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. I am on one side reclined, and my wife is on the other also reclined so if I tip my head slightly to the left, all I can see is the middle section of our couch. Now, we all know women have absolutely no respect for men’s television time and always feel the biological need to strike up a conversation when the show is getting good so it was no surprise to me when she wanted to talk about something at a time that I really did not want to listen to it. As a man, I have the supernatural ability to give my wife solid, believable responses to what she has said with having only the vaguest idea about what it is she was talking about. I’m pretty good at this and have had half hour long, deep conversations where I have no idea what was discussed though I can recite play-by-play the three 45 yard football drives that occurred during it.

So tonight’s conversation went something like this:

Her: So, what are doing? Packing?

Now, my wife is scheduled to give birth next Tuesday so I’m used to many of the hormonally illogical things that slip out of her mouth. With this in mind I answer:

Me: No, I’m not packing. I’m not going anywhere. I’m sleeping here to watch the kids while you’re in the hospital.

Her: Are you bringing a camera? And the stuff for the swingset?

Me: Why are you going to want the stuff for the swingset at the hospital? Are you talking in your sleep or something? Besides, your mother has wood stain at her house that she’s bringing up.

Her: You know, I have to get blood work done Monday at the hospital. If you’re here in time, you can go with me and see where everything is at.

Me: I’ve been there four times and pass it every day on the way to work. I know where the hospital is at. I told you, Monday is my last day at work for a while so I have a lot of stuff to do. I can’t go.

Her: I can be there anytime between 6:30 and 4:30.

Me: Sorry honey, but I can’t.

Her: (something mumbled and unintelligible)

Me: What? I can’t hear you.

Her: (something more mumbled and unintelligible)

Me: I still can’t hear you.

Her: (again, something mumbled and unintelligible)

Me: Look, if you want me to hear you, either speak up or turn the television down.

Her: Excuse me for a second, Mom.

She then leans forward, entering fully into my field of vision and I see the phone that she has pressed to her ear. She then says, “You know, it’s irritating enough when you don’t listen to what I’m saying and give me answers you won’t remember when I AM talking to you. It’s even more irritating when you do it when I’m NOT talking to you. Can you pay me some lip service in a different room please?”

Apparently, I’m not as good at watching sports through her as I thought.


Blogger SactoRitch said...

Your wife doesn't read this huh?
Jim sorry I've been gone awhile. I check in almost daily though.
So Tuesday's the big day huh? You're a stronger and better man than me. Hopefully by now you guys have the routine down and not too much will change but I doubt it. Welcome back to sleepdeprivationville; population you.
I say you're a stronger man than me because I only have two kids that have both turned out to be good sleepers. There are times they make me want to run away and join the Mexican navy. I can only imagine...wait, no I can't even imagine having four little Mexican navy recruiters in my house.
GOD love ya' bro. Deb and I have made replacements to fill our seats at the Thanksgiving table when we're gone, but you my friend have gone above and beyond. Well done. Well done.
Well I gotta go, my kids are waking from their naps and I still need to learn to say "Ahoy there mateys"! in Spanish.
Good luck, SactoRitch

6:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm extremely addicted to blogs which I think are funny. For example, both of my home computers aren't working right now, but I NEEDED to check if this was updated. So, I tried to do the entire thing with a LYNX browser, which runs from the command line and is text-only. Leaving a comment, however, didn't work so well, so here I am.

Heh... about 100 words without saying a thing.

You know what? I see this blog as one of the better ones there are out there, and it's one of the few that I'll try to check on every day. And I just checked your sitemeter, and I get about the same amount of visits/day as you do!


The Hamster
Trying out Nat Lamp style signatures

2:11 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

Thank You Ritch! Wish you guys were out here to join in the celebration! I'm sure I'll be calling you tomorrow to let you know what happened.

As for the Mexican military, Mason wanted me to show him what boot camp was like yesterday so after making him run around the house, calling him names and teaching him how to cheat while doing push-ups (remember "nerve gas"?) I tried to get him to march. I was in the back yard calling cadence and in the middle of me shouting "LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT", he said that marching was pretty boring and that he would rather do the cha-cha.

I then had to explain to him, at the tender age of four, about how being a gringo, they would not let him into the Mexican army. It was either that or get into the US military's policy of "Don't ask, don't tell."

And thanks for hangin' in there Alan. Keep writing. You'll only get better and better at it and the more things you write about, the more site hits you'll get. And if you REALLY want site traffic, write an article about tubgirl or how you have pictures of Rachel Ray gloriously displaying full frontal nudity.

10:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I try to stay away from google whoring; there's just nothing good coming from talking about naked boobs tits free celebs.

Oddly enough, I get more hits for 'genital herpes' than anything else. And I never wrote anything about genital herpes.

8:34 PM  

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