Apparently, I'm On Hiatus

It has been about a month and a half since my last post. As I logged on this morning and found several e-mails reminding me of this, I thought I would drop everyone a quick line and let them know that I have not abandoned The JEP Report, I have just been operating on an extreme time deficit the past couple of months. I usually write my articles on my lunch hour at work, but truth be told, I haven't eaten lunch at work for months. On the home front, most of my free time lately has been spent building this monstrocity:

For most people, this would probably only have been a weekend project, but it took me a couple of months. Higher primates, such as humans, are typically distinguished from their lesser relatives by their problem-solving abilities and their ability to use tools. If a couple of chimpanzees had watched me try to put this thing together, they probably would have shaken their heads in disgust and lamented the tragedy of why evolution had wasted a good pair of opposable thumbs on me. I would surely have gotten a lot more use out of a prehensile tail. Anyway, I finally finished it two weeks ago and ever since, my kids have enjoyed countless hours playing in the five cardboard boxes the playset was delivered in. In addition to putting together the playscape, I have spent a significant amount of time trying to grow grass in my yard. By grass, I mean Poa Pratensis, not that Cannabis Sativa stuff that you can make brownies out of.

Another item in my life at the moment that is taking up a huge block of writing time for me is my kids. Trying to write with three midget demolition experts roaming around the house is next to impossible unless you have been able to pull the proper governmental permits required to keep a tranquilzer gun and a cattleprod in your home. My one-year-old in particular, is very prone to interrupting a good literary flow, usually by pounding on the keyboard while I am typing or turning the computer's powerstrip off before I have saved my work. Today, he learned how to climb up into his big brother's booster chair:

Unfortunately for him, he hasn't learned to climb down yet and unless he does so within the next hour or so, I may actually be able to finish this post.

The other two do not help the situation much. They are well versed in the art of interior terrorism, so much so in fact that I was beginning to suspect that their daycare was run by Islamic fundamentalists rather than the Lutheran ones who sent us the flier. These suspicions were confirmed after seeing pictures of a recent field trip that they had embarked upon:

Mine are the two in front. I can only assume that the little girl in back is one of Osama bin Laden's evil minions. She has that kind of look in her eye that only a true fanatic could have.

Anyway, I hope to get back into the swing of things sooner rather than later. This month is still going to be brutal for me, but I hope that things will start slowing down in July. I have two weeks vacation coming up, one which will be spent in Ludington Michigan with this crowd:

That's usually good for a couple of dozen anacdotes about alcoholic excess. Ask Sacto Ritch. He was at my bachelor party.

After Ludington, I have another week home with the kids, and then a week in the main office where I can write during lunch again. I've got three articles on the burner, the one explaining my accident in April, one describing a good deed gone horribly awry and a current events piece on immigration, the death of Zarqawi, and my prediction on the devastating beating that I am expecting the Republican Party to take at the polls this November unless the Bush administration comes up with Osama bin Laden's severed testicles on a platter the day before the election.

I would also like to take a second to send a HUGE congratulations to Sacto Ritch, the earliest reader of The JEP Report and close personal friend, on the birth of his brand new baby daughter a couple of weeks ago. I'd love to post her picture right below here if he gives me his blessing (I guess I'm asking your permission here, buddy). Fortunately, she has her mother's looks so her elementary school life will not be as difficult as we all feared.

Finally, for those of you who still kept checking in here during this literary drought, I apologize for not having anything better for you but hope to be posting regularly again sometime in the near future. I appreciate (and am actually rather concerned by) your loyalty and hope to be eventually back into a regular posting routine in the near future. And for the European and South American readers out there, I hope you team does much better for you in the World Cup than the Detroit Lions have done for me.

Ciao guys,

JEP