French Government Caves to Student Protests

After several weeks of rioting by students over a controversial law that would make it easier for French companies to fire young employees, France’s president, Jacques Chirac has reversed his stance and withdrawn the legislation at the center of the controversy.

“Victory is ours!” proclaimed Sophie Mestre, one of the activists that had spent days in the streets protesting the proposed law. “The government really had no choice. We were about to unleash the nuclear option. Beginning next Wednesday, we were about to start egging the police.”

An egging attack would no doubt have been devastating to police and military units in the area, who have been routed into humiliating retreat by less. “Of course we would not have asked our officers to advance in the face of an egg barrage, “ stated a local gendarme commander, Louis Hommelet. “Have you people not heard of the bird flu?”

Jacques Chirac could not be reached for comment on the reversal and little has been heard of the president except for occasional appearances at his office window to yell at protesting students to get off of the lawn. Rumors that have been floating around Paris declaring that the French president has been hiding beneath his desk were unofficially confirmed when one of the cleaning ladies leaving Chirac’s office was overheard telling another, “Yez, he eez steel een there and zee offeece has become quite deesgusteeng. Next time, I am voteeng for a prezeedent who ees at least housebroken.”

The protests and rioting sparked by the controversial measure have taxed France’s police and gendarme units, entities that are not used to open confrontation and are still stung by their devastating defeat by seven rioting Muslim women last year. Responding to criticism about the police being unable to step up to security challenges, one local commander quipped, “You have no idea what we were up against out there! Let me tell you something about the French. You can invade us, and we will blow you kisses. You can force us to convert to Islam and we will do so joyfully as long as we can get a waiver from the caliphate to keep drinking wine. Molest our women and we will making a fortune selling the movies on the internet. Threaten us with getting fired for not doing our jobs though and we’ll burn your f****** tents down. Look at the casualties we sustained!”

Police casualties were indeed high. Four officers were hospitalized for various broken bones, three for concussions, two for respiratory trauma sustained by standing too close to college student that had not bathed for several weeks and one had a heart attack after being set upon by three kindergarten girls who attacked him with their “Hello Kitty” back packs. The original casualty count was three but was corrected after discovering that the missing officers, all male, had left the scene of the melee and checked into the hospital not because of injuries sustained while carrying out their duties, but because they did not want to miss their previously scheduled pap smear appointments.