Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Into Voyeurism? Try German Politics!

Berlin – Authorities in Berlin announced today that a security camera mounted on Berlin’s Pergamon Museum was able to monitor the apartment of German Chancellor Angela Merkel for a period spanning several years.

A German police official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said authorities were alerted to the situation when pictures of Chancellor Merkel wearing nothing but a pair of lavender granny panties and gratuitous amounts of whipped cream were found on a website run by Armin Meiwes, the cannibal whose sensational trial made headlines across the globe.

“This situation has proved very embarrassing to the Chancellor,” said another anonymous official. “But it gave a very unique insight into the private life of a public official to those of us closely involved with the investigation.” When asked what, besides her penchant for dairy based lingerie, officials learned about the German chancellor the official replied, “Well for starters, we know that when she is not working diligently to secure peace and stability across the globe, she likes to unwind with a couple bottles of bottles of Riesling wine and watch midget pornography with UN Secretary General Kofi Annan. We also found that she is quite fond of karaoke parties and actively participates. Apparently, she sounds a lot like Celine Dion, which has really been upsetting her neighbors.”

“She does,” confirmed another official who was not anonymous but was christened with a name that this reporter just could not for the life of him remember. “Her singing is quite horrible. (French Prime Minister) Jacques Chirac on the other hand, is actually quite a gifted singer. With the help of a helium balloon, he sounds just like Cyndi Lauper. You should hear him do ‘Girls Just Want To Have Fun’. It’s a scream!”

The security camera was shut down immediately after authorities discovered its surveillance potential. “It was a matter of common sense. We did not want Merkel-Kam uncovering any state secrets or, even worse, inadvertently publishing on the internet yet another tape of a celebrity in the throes of passion, particularly one who is, *ahem*, just a little past her prime. This type of activity is best left to professionals like Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.”


Blogger jude said...

very nice.
particularly Chirac on helium singing 'girls just wanna...'

2:46 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

Thank you very much, Jude and welcome to The JEP Report!

Where are you hailing from?

6:36 AM  

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