Wednesday, March 15, 2006

A Letter to Kraft

Here's a letter I sent to the people at Kraft Foods regarding A-1 Steak Sauce yesterday:
Dear Kraft:
My wife is generally an excellent cook, but she makes this meat loaf that is unlike anything I have ever tasted before. I am not sure what exactly is in it but if I had to discern the ingredients based upon taste, I would guess that it includes something like coagulated ox blood, waste of swine, the sun-bloated and decomposing carcass of a slow moving groundhog slaughtered by a speeding Chevrolet and fermented fish entrails. It is a concoction so vile that, and Lord knows that I have tried, I can not even get the dog to eat it which is no small feat considering that I have seen him liberate midnight snacks from the cat’s litterbox (which I have considered doing myself on meatloaf nights).

Recently however, I have learned how to neutralize the lethality of this particular product of Hell’s Kitchen by dousing the entrée in copious amounts of Kraft’s A-1 Steak Sauce. Not only does this take the excruciation out of eating my wife’s meat loaf, it makes it palatable enough to brave going back for seconds. In fact, sometimes it so palatable that I even find myself returning for thirds.

In this world, there are so many companies that claim to take the forefront in combating human misery. As far as I can tell Kraft, the makers of A-1 Steak Sauce, is the only one that has made any progress. I can not begin to tell you how grateful I am that a corporation exists that can turn such a cataclysmic tragedy as my wife’s meat loaf into a product that can serve as the very definition of carnivorous ecstasy. No longer must my stomach rebel when I see that horrible entity gracing the table in my family’s dining room. No longer must I cringe when I see my wife breaking out the bread crumbs. No longer am I reluctant to buy a pound of hamburger at the local grocery store for fear of the culinary catastrophe my wife could possibly turn it in to. No longer do I fear the loaf. I have learned to love it.

I salute you Kraft, and the people that you employ who work so diligently to make A-1 Steak Sauce the pinnacle of greatness that it is. It is because of you that I do not have to fill myself up with convenience store hot dogs before I arrive home on meat loaf nights in order to avoid caving in to my urges to join Fido at the late night drive through window of Café Kitty Katt for a round of feline-furters. You have my sincere undying gratitude.

Best Regards,

Grand Blanc, MI

P.S. You guys have anything that can take the edge off of broccoli?


Anonymous Fade_to_Blah said...

haha good post Jep.

And yes, smother the broccoli in melted cheese. Makes it good!

11:10 AM  
Anonymous Mother Mayhem said...

Reminds me of a cross between the Lazlo letters and Hunter S. Thompson, with a touch of Al Bundy mixed in.

Remember JEP, Mother always said eat your vegetables. She just never mentioned what Broccoli can do in a full room of people! This can be advantageous or a detriment depending how the conversations are going.

PS. Try some mushroom soup over it....

BTW. Mother is feeling a bit feisty this evening. The annual pilgrimage to the accountant is over. It has all the appeal of your wife's meatloaf without the flavor. I don't know if even A-1 could help with digestion. Give unto Caeser is one thing, but to give everything to Caeser and then be asked for more?? If this keeps up I'll have to start looking for extra work. Honk if you see me on the side of the I-75 picking up bottles. At least they can't trace that income-yet.......

8:35 PM  
Anonymous Mother Mayhem said...

Hey, let me know if Kraft sends any coupons to you for sending them the glowing endorsement of A-1. Gotta make the dollars stretch anyway you can...

8:39 PM  
Blogger Sacto Ritch said...

So I'm guessing Pat doesn't read the blog. Does she know of its very existance? Would you like to keep it that way? What's it worth to you?
By the way. How creepy is it that both our moms read this clap-trap?

12:23 AM  
Blogger JEP said...

Hehehe. Ritch thinks Mother Mayhem is my mom.

I actually know MM in real life. He's a short, bald person originally from New Jersey. Of course, my mother is not from New Jersey. We're working on the hair thing though.

6:38 AM  
Anonymous Mother Mayhem said...

JEP I am shocked, I don't resemble that remark unless you include the moustache. Remember the family resemblances.

Now was it the spelling, my depth of knowledge of broccoli, or my accent that gave me away?

Ritch, just for your own peace of mind, don't feel too bad. I have been called a "mother" on many occasions, just never JEP's mother. For those that have never seen the family resemblances, JEP got the height and the hair in the family...Mother got the looks and the brains.......

BTW JEP I still want to know if Kraft sent you any coupons………….

9:22 PM  

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