Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy New Year!

Originally, I had planned on posting right on the stroke of midnight, but since I’ve been up with my youngest son since four this morning, I will likely be passed out by nine if I can get away with it. Anyway, I want to wish each and everyone of you that reads this a Happy New Year and hope that your 2006 brings you everything you wish for and more. I also thought I would share with you my new year’s resolutions for 2006:

1. Quit Smoking.
I quit smoking four times in 2005. I’m hoping with a little more effort and stamina that I can quit 6 or 7 times in 2006.

2. More Sex.
You would think this wouldn’t be so hard since I am married, but small children can be more effective in preventing procreation practice than menstruation.

3. More Drinking.
This is the one vice that I have severely neglected in 2005. I’ll try to better my ways in 2006 (which will likely make Resolution #1 damn near impossible).

4. Get Published.
Somewhere. Anywhere. I don’t care if something I wrote turns up in The New Yorker or on the bathroom wall of a dive bar in a Brooklyn house of ill repute, as long as I can claim the bragging rights of having been paid for my work.

5. Post More / Develop More Traffic to The JEP Report.
Last December, The JEP Report had just over 300 visits, 296 of them consisting of myself checking to see if anyone had read it. This December, The JEP Report has logged just under 1,300 visits (most of them looking for a picture of Tubgirl). That’s an increase of 400%. My goal by next December is to log in 5200 visits a month. I have a plan on how to do this but it involves nude pictures of Hillary Clinton. Anyone know how I can get my hands on some?

Once again, I would like to wish all of you a Happy New Year and thank you for your support, encouragement and your incredibly bad taste in internet literature. I hope you all keep coming back in 2006.



Blogger Sacto Ritch said...

Happy New Year James. Firstly I would like to know why the Hell do we here in Cali have to watch a rebroadcast of Dick Clark's Rockin' new year? We have friggin Hollywood fer' Christ's sake. I'm quite sure some enterprising exec at Disney could come up with something just as bland as Dick Clark. How 'bout some suggestions?
Yes, I know we are among the last people on the planet to celebrate the turning of the year. However, by the time it turns 12:00 here most people in N.Y. are passed out in some stranger's bed, just a few hours away from playing out the akward "What's your name again?" scene with their 2006 glasses half-cocked on their faces with one of the arms missing and a strange "I'm not sure what happened down there" feeling in their rectum. I feel a bit forgotten. It's like we're celebrating by ourselves out here.
Oh well. At least I have rising flood waters and non-operational traffic signals that I have to repair at 2 A.M. to keep my attention focused away from Dick Clark and his rockin' new year.

Happy New year to all of you in the JEP Report world.

6:25 PM  
Blogger Mr. Sir said...

Hey JEP!

I have also vowed to ramp up my drinking in the coming year.

I think we both know that inebriation is the hostel of inspiration.

7:34 PM  
Blogger Trae said...

Holy crap (heh) you posted a picture of Tubgirl on here? You are a sick, sick man.

And, I love you for it!

8:58 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

Happy New Year Ritch! I only caught bits and pieces of Dick Clark but I thought he looked drunk on the show. It was quite an improvement. I'm sorry to hear that you spent your night about as sober as I was. I guess tying one on and going to play with high voltage is nowhere near as glamorous as say, getting drunk and playing with explosives.

Mr. Sir:

I agree that inebriation is indeed the hostel of inspiration. It's almost as good as LSD but without all the purple talking monkeys (I kind of miss those cute little bastards).

And Trae:

No, I did not post a tubgirl picture in here. It's kind of a long story, but when this blog was just starting out, I was tracking down a visitor who was here looking for a "picture of a retarded mountain llama" according to the Google search words that brought him here. While checking to see if it was actually found, I stumbled upon ZUG and was tubgirl'ed inside of 30 seconds. I wrote "An Ode to Tubgirl" in response and it has by far been my most visited page. And now you know, "The Rest of the Story"!

6:32 AM  

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