An Ode to the Commode

I would generally like to think that I have more class than this, but obviously I don't.

At two one Friday morning I was rousted from my slumber,
By the sound of gas launched out my ass that sounded like sawn lumber,
My eyes flung open terrified and my fear was fierce and great,
I sprung out of bed, ran for the head and prayed it not too late.

I rushed into the bathroom which still smelled of fragrant lime,
Tore my skivvies off and hit the throne just in the nick of time.
I broke out in sweat, burst vessels and screamed loud demented howls,
As this fecal anaconda wreaked hard havoc on my bowels.

Finally this bawdy beast passed through my anal ring,
You would not believe how far it stretched that poor elastic thing.
It hit the water with a splash that nearly drowned my balls,
Sent blue fluid up my rectum and left drip marks on the walls.

My sigh of satisfied relief echoed throughout the room,
And the scent of fragrant lime became the smell of rotting doom.
I lunged to flush the loo now that I was fifteen pounds thinner,
Had to flush before I also tossed the fish I had for dinner.

I stood up, looked down and watched as my near future turned quite grim.
The water in the toilet was fast rising to the brim.
I let out a little whimper, mumbled curses and some gripes,
And chastised my posterior for clogging up the pipes.

My misfortune had grown drastically and was ever to grow more,
As the snake I’d flushed escaped the bowl to crawl across the floor.
It was menacing to face this thing without a gun to shoot,
So I turned and fled out of the head, my turd in hot pursuit.

On a wave of putrid water it just chased me where I went,
I ran till my breath was labored and my energy was spent.
One might think a legless creature could so easily be beat,
But it is not so fun to try and run with skivvies round your feet.

It chased me out the bathroom, through the bedroom and my lairs,
It chased me up and down the furniture and halfway down the stairs,
It was there I fell headfirst through hell, and while lying broke and lame,
Was quite disturbed to feel the turd go back from whence it came.

My apologies to those of you that read that.