A Little Religion for The Holidays

It just wouldn't be Christmas without a little religion, so here is a little sermon for you that could take the edge out of church.

Yeah, my sense of humor is a little juvenile.....so sue me.

Tis the Season.....

To wish all of you the best Christmas that you have ever had! Doubt I'll be posting much over the next couple of weeks (keeping up my 2006 trend). So, to Sacto Ritch, Caretaker Matt, Mother Mayhem, Lob, GMT Man, Brody, and the faithful mystery readers from Boeing in Chicago, Halliburton in Texas, Somebody Near Lambeth England, Dianada, The Person Near Peabody Massachusetts, and that guy from Germany who read damn near this entire blog from start to finish last week, may you have an awesome Holiday Season and an even better New Year.

Those of you that I haven't mentioned, all the best for you too. Check in and leave a comment and let me know that you're still here or that you even exist.

Until 2007,

JEP

Today my one-year-old ate....

...Some Dinty Moore Chicken Pasta Soup.

Some toast.

Some petit sausages.

Some Goldfish Crackers.

Some Fruit Snacks.

Basically, I could have cared less too, and in fact would have been blissfully ignorant of this since I was not home at lunch time but I just spent the last half hour cleaning the stuff out of my shirt before taking a shower to keep it from drying in my chest hair and making my winter-nipples itchier than they already were. Of course, I came awfully close to breaking out in Technicolor laughter myself while trying to clean this stuff up, but so far have managed to keep my lunch down.

You would think that after three kids and a solid sixteen years of power drinking that I would be used to getting thrown up on by now.

Create your own South Park character

The link above is strangely fascinating. I've been playing with it all morning and if I was a character in South Park, I would apparently look something like this:

Thanks to Ditdah on ZUG for turning me on to this.

When It Rains, It Pours

An earlier potty misadventure

So, I'm trying to make the kids breakfast this morning when my daughter runs downstairs laughing saying that her younger brother is peeing in the bathroom.

"That's where he is supposed to be peeing, honey."

"No Dad! He's peeing all over the bathroom!"

Now my son is four and, being already able to read, I assume that he is fairly intelligent for his age. I was sure that my daughter was exagerating. I walked upstairs to see what it was he was up to.

When I opened the bathroom door, I found my son standing there butt-naked, the lid to the toilet seat down and urine all over the floor, the rug, the walls and the bathtub. Naturally, I exploded. "WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE DOING?!?!"

Having been put on the spot, Mason stammered for an answer. "But...ah..I ...was...buuuuh...guuuh...do.." Realizing that he was in serious trouble, he then just started a line of pathetic whimpering.

"WHY ARE YOU PEEING ALL OVER THE BATHROOM?!?!?"

He covered his naked posterior with his hands, knowing very well that when I was done with him, he was going to end up with an ass that would make him the the biggest sex symbol that babboon world had ever seen. Bursting into tears, he cried, "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?!?!? WERE YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR PEE-PEE WHEN IT SUDDENLY WENT OFF?!? WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO TRY TO PEE ALL OVER THE WALLS?!?"

"I WASN"T TRYING TO PEE ON THE WALLS!"

"DON'T LIE TO ME!!! IF YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO PEE ON THE WALLS, THEN WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO PEE ON?!?!"

With a gut wrenching, soul searing wail, Mason then cried, "I WAS TRYING TO PEE ON THE CEILLLLLLIIIIINNNGG!"

So I guess that technically, he wasn't lying and it really was an accident. That doesn't mean he will survive the day, though.

The sad part is, I can see this kid growing up to be my favorite.