An Ode To My Christmas Gift
‘Twas Five days before Christmas,
In the evening quite late,
And upon my poor shoulders,
Was a terrible weight.
The gifts were all purchased,
My accounts were all bare,
My job hung o’er a cliff,
By a fast-fraying hair.
The stock market was mauled,
By corporate hordes,
And my 401k,
Couldn’t buy three cans of Coors.
From an employment view,
I felt dreadfully cursed,
And just could not see how,
Things could get that much worse.
Then my wife had approached me,
‘cross the living room floor,
Then quietly told me,
She got knocked up once more.
My sphincter then puckered,
My ass felt so torn,
While my rear compressed diamonds,
From half-digested corn.
My head started reeling,
My stomach fell ill,
How could this have happened,
While she’s on the pill?
I glanced down at my winkie,
While my soul filled with dread,
Then pointed and shouted,
“NOW OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”
Now I fear how I’ll clothe it,
Or school it or feed it,
But all things considered,
I still can’t wait to meet it.
So, anyone want to say good-bye to my nuts before I stick them in the microwave?
In the evening quite late,
And upon my poor shoulders,
Was a terrible weight.
The gifts were all purchased,
My accounts were all bare,
My job hung o’er a cliff,
By a fast-fraying hair.
The stock market was mauled,
By corporate hordes,
And my 401k,
Couldn’t buy three cans of Coors.
From an employment view,
I felt dreadfully cursed,
And just could not see how,
Things could get that much worse.
Then my wife had approached me,
‘cross the living room floor,
Then quietly told me,
She got knocked up once more.
My sphincter then puckered,
My ass felt so torn,
While my rear compressed diamonds,
From half-digested corn.
My head started reeling,
My stomach fell ill,
How could this have happened,
While she’s on the pill?
I glanced down at my winkie,
While my soul filled with dread,
Then pointed and shouted,
“NOW OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”
Now I fear how I’ll clothe it,
Or school it or feed it,
But all things considered,
I still can’t wait to meet it.
So, anyone want to say good-bye to my nuts before I stick them in the microwave?
posted by JEP at 12:34 PM
3 Comments:
Let me let you in on a little secret my friend. You don't HAVE to have a child EVERY time you have sex.
Having said that, congrats on finally being able to complete your basketball team!
Happy New Year James. I hope this next year finds you gainfully employed and a father to a happy, healthy, bouncing baby of some sort.
Good luck...you're gonna need it!
SactoRitch
Wow man, just wow. Go forth and repopulate the earth huh. Well buddy, as someone with 4 other siblings, everything will be ok. Worst case scenario, Mrs. Jim has a good gig so you can always be Mr. Mom. If things get too tight financially, you can always make "donations". I mean, you have a proven track record.
Honestly, congratulations man. Can't wait to meet the newest lil hellraiser.
Caretaker Matt
Dude, we need to talk. Your making us Catholics look baaaad. Congratulations! You broke the tie! Shock and awe is a pretty good way to sum things up.
To say Happy New Year to you would some how seem to be anti - climatic. I wish all the best to you, the miss and the rest of the clan. I'm just trying to figure out when do you go from a clan to your own zip code. Is this your evil plan to start a new political party and take over the world? Apparently you have some Olympic calibre swimmers.
The good news is that there are plenty of houses for sale 'cause you moving to another location might be the only way to avoid number six! Maybe Mrs. Jim should be the one moving to teach you to control yourself...
The next time I'm around I need to shake your wife's hand. Very impressive indeed... Congrat's and all the best.
Mother
Post a Comment
<< Home