Friday, May 06, 2005

My Brand New Boy Is Here!

The chaos commenced in the midst of the night,
With a scream from my wife that had filled me with fright,
She said it was time, that the pain cut quite deep,
But unfazed I rolled over to get some more sleep.

One second later, I was startled awake,
By a sound like I'd been in an awful earthquake,
I found myself rising, being pulled off my back,
As my wife heaved me up by the skin of my sack.

She cursed me, then struck me and swung at my nose,
As I stumbled around in the dark for my clothes.
I scooped up the kids and then fled fast to hide,
But the laboring banshee soon found us outside.

We made for the car, traumatized by this strife,
Scared white by the demon who'd once been my wife.
We sped off in terror, like three frightened cads,
But didn't get far since she still had my 'nads.

She ran down the road with the speed of a kite,
Catching up to us as we were stopped at the light.
She tore open the door and then hopped right inside,
Saying that future flight would result in lost hide.

The kids were dropped off at my mother-in-law's,
And we flew to the clinic without nary a pause.
Her cursing was loud, my eardrums left scarred,
I needed that screaming beast swiftly de-carred.

Her yelling maintained till we pulled in the lot,
She beat my poor head as I searched for a spot.
Done with the ride and abused to the core,
I threw my wife right through the hospital door.

Soon we were waiting, but far less than bored,
As she screamed at those in the maternity ward.
My wife once sedated, then ended her grief,
So I scrounged for meds for my own mental relief.

My wife soon was birthing, she pushed and she twitched,
And said that my parents had never been hitched.
She spewed out vindictive and shouted it loud,
And used words that would have done wharf sailors quite proud.

After hours of labor, after curses and begs,
They pulled an iguana from between her two legs.
This hideous thing, looking mangled and mean,
Was slimy and scaly and shrivled and green.

They took it away to the back of the room,
And I felt an emotion of impending doom.
A beastly creation was all I could see,
The poor thing looked almost the same as poor me.


They pricked it and cleaned it and gussied it up
They then showed it off like a proud Westminster pup.
I then found myself overcome with such joy,
To find that the lizard turned into a boy.

With my penance now finished and tears in my eyes,
I rushed over to hold my new wonderful prize.
But before I could get there I fell in a heap,
The meds I had taken had put me to sleep.

I eventually left my wife's hospital suite,
And found my way down to my child to greet.
After an hour of watching my newborn cherub,
I escaped from my wife and then went to the pub.

I was met at the bar by a host of loud cheers,
And rounds upon rounds upon rounds of free beers.
We partied, we sang and we drank and were hailed,
And my son was routinely resoundly regaled.

The sky soon turned red and then turned back to night,
And I crawled away from the pub listing to right,
I flowed into my car and 'neath the light of the dome,
Avoided the cops as I poured myself home.

I stumbled into the house and then fell down the stairs,
Then I rolled to the shower for cleansing repairs.
Before I got in, I removed all my clothes,
Then was hit with the urge to make comedic prose.

When I'm sober I'm sure that I'll certainly dread,
This collection of verses that sprang from my head.
And my son I am sure will soon think me a punk,
For announcing his birth typing naked and drunk.

My brand new boy was born today, May 6th. 9lbs and 1oz of total unadulterated awesomeness!


Coincidentally, he shares a birthday with Sacto Ritch.

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