Sunday, March 27, 2005

Easter Bunny Gets Pummeled at Shopping Mall

Now, I am by no means condoning random acts of senseless violence against that segment of the American workforce that dons colorful holiday-appropriate attire for the amusement of our society’s youngest denizens. I do however understand the phenomena and, like other people who may have wreaked havoc upon their synapses while experimenting with hallucinogenic substances during their youth, sympathize a little with those who, when cornered by what essentially amounts to a six foot tall glorified rodent in a local shopping center, feel the need to lash out. To most an act like this may seem like little more than barbaric thuggery but to others, it may very well be an act of preemption. Is it socially unacceptable? Certainly, but in this post-9/11 world that we now inhabit, it also happens to be national policy.

Frankly, I have no problem with preemptive action. A good defense is a better offense and that premise holds just as true against drug induced hallucinations as it does against al Qaeda. You just can’t let the bastards get the drop on you. You hit them first. You hit them hard. You unload whatever arsenal is at your disposal, disorienting your demon and neutralizing the threat just long enough for you to beat tracks to the nearest exit before the cops get there. Granted, I’ve never been accosted by an overgrown Easter Bunny before but I have been trapped in an elevator with a clown I suspected of having cannibalistic tendencies after a five-day bender at the Circus Circus Casino in Las Vegas and I can tell you that that is one experience that gives you a newfound respect for our constitutional right to keep and bear arms. I agree that our founding fathers probably were not thinking of cannibal clowns or butchering bunnies when they penned that stroke of political genius that we now call the 2nd Amendment, but I can guarantee you that if Timothy Leary or Hunter S. Thompson had been around to crash the Boston Tea Party, they certainly would have been.

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