An Ode to Tubgirl

It started with a random hit on my blog, no doubt by accident, and ended with me unleashing a primal scream at 1:30 in the morning that terrified my wife, startled my kids awake and induced incontinence in my border collie. When it was over, I was left a broken shell of man, emotionally scarred and with a vividly disturbing image indelibly and permanently etched deep within my iron psyche. When my wife found me I was naked and sobbing hysterically in the darkest corner of the basement laundry room. I felt horribly unclean and psychologically violated. I had come, quite unwittingly, face to face with that most horrific of internet phenomena: the gruesome and terrifying digital image of TUBGIRL.

Now, I spent three years of my navy enlistment paying visits to some of the most exotic and erotic ports of call the world has to offer. I’ve walked through red light districts from Amsterdam to Bangkok. I have seen things that I could not possibly have imagined and that is no small feat considering that I have got one overactive imagination. Still, whatever spectacles of the perverse I may have witnessed in my youth, I have never seen anything that would have prepared me for that horror that crossed my eyes early that morning. When that photograph popped up upon my computer screen, my eyes opened wide and any moisture they may have held instantly evaporated. My stomach turned rebelliously and just as I was on the verge of launching Technicolor laughter all over my Dell, I managed to tear my line of site away from the monitor. My mouth went dry and my sphincter puckered. I started to shake and sweat. Then I took a deep breath and looked back at my screen incredulously to confirm that I had actually seen what I thought I had. After finding out that I had, I let out that scream that so unnerved my family and tried unsuccessfully to claw my own eyes out.

Before I go any further, I need to explain exactly how I came across this particular gem lest my loyal readership (both of you), think I am deep within the grasp of some demonically depraved fecal fetishist cult. As stated in an earlier entry, someone was referred to my blog via a Google search for a “picture of a retarded llama”. While backtracking, I came upon a comedy website called ZUG (which I might add is one of the best things I’ve ever seen on the internet. I highly recommend it. I must warn you however, it’s more addictive than crack {www.zug.com}). As I followed one of the conversation threads, I clicked upon a link that gave absolutely no indication of what would be unleashed once I had freed it. I refuse to link to it, or even to describe it, for fear of permanently alienating the few loyal visitors I have. Not only that, but once you see this picture, you find your mind jostling too many questions to maintain any semblance of mental harmony. Even though it has been a week since I’ve seen it, I still find myself wondering what possibly could have lead to that event. Was it some sort of twisted sexual fetish finally fulfilled? Was it the result of a lost wager or an innocently intentioned bar trick that went horribly awry? What was that woman thinking as this event unfolded? Was it, “My God, how could it possibly have come to this?” or “I’m absolutely NEVER eating there again!” Somehow I think neither. Due to the incredible marksmanship displayed in this image, I am quite certain this was not an isolated incident. I am sure that she had done it before and, in fact, had gotten quite good at it. I’ll give even odds that she’s probably done it since.

Anyway, hopefully this entry exercised that demon. For those of you with the decency to leave this creature be, you may have a little curiosity knowing at your consciousness but, unlike the travesty that is TUBGIRL, it will eventually pass. For those of you who are so sick and demented that you just can not resist the temptation to seek her out: May God Have Mercy On Your Soul.