Saturday, January 01, 2005

An Ode to Tubgirl

It started with a random hit on my blog, no doubt by accident, and ended with me unleashing a primal scream at 1:30 in the morning that terrified my wife, startled my kids awake and induced incontinence in my border collie. When it was over, I was left a broken shell of man, emotionally scarred and with a vividly disturbing image indelibly and permanently etched deep within my iron psyche. When my wife found me I was naked and sobbing hysterically in the darkest corner of the basement laundry room. I felt horribly unclean and psychologically violated. I had come, quite unwittingly, face to face with that most horrific of internet phenomena: the gruesome and terrifying digital image of TUBGIRL.

Now, I spent three years of my navy enlistment paying visits to some of the most exotic and erotic ports of call the world has to offer. I’ve walked through red light districts from Amsterdam to Bangkok. I have seen things that I could not possibly have imagined and that is no small feat considering that I have got one overactive imagination. Still, whatever spectacles of the perverse I may have witnessed in my youth, I have never seen anything that would have prepared me for that horror that crossed my eyes early that morning. When that photograph popped up upon my computer screen, my eyes opened wide and any moisture they may have held instantly evaporated. My stomach turned rebelliously and just as I was on the verge of launching Technicolor laughter all over my Dell, I managed to tear my line of site away from the monitor. My mouth went dry and my sphincter puckered. I started to shake and sweat. Then I took a deep breath and looked back at my screen incredulously to confirm that I had actually seen what I thought I had. After finding out that I had, I let out that scream that so unnerved my family and tried unsuccessfully to claw my own eyes out.

Before I go any further, I need to explain exactly how I came across this particular gem lest my loyal readership (both of you), think I am deep within the grasp of some demonically depraved fecal fetishist cult. As stated in an earlier entry, someone was referred to my blog via a Google search for a “picture of a retarded llama”. While backtracking, I came upon a comedy website called ZUG (which I might add is one of the best things I’ve ever seen on the internet. I highly recommend it. I must warn you however, it’s more addictive than crack {www.zug.com}). As I followed one of the conversation threads, I clicked upon a link that gave absolutely no indication of what would be unleashed once I had freed it. I refuse to link to it, or even to describe it, for fear of permanently alienating the few loyal visitors I have. Not only that, but once you see this picture, you find your mind jostling too many questions to maintain any semblance of mental harmony. Even though it has been a week since I’ve seen it, I still find myself wondering what possibly could have lead to that event. Was it some sort of twisted sexual fetish finally fulfilled? Was it the result of a lost wager or an innocently intentioned bar trick that went horribly awry? What was that woman thinking as this event unfolded? Was it, “My God, how could it possibly have come to this?” or “I’m absolutely NEVER eating there again!” Somehow I think neither. Due to the incredible marksmanship displayed in this image, I am quite certain this was not an isolated incident. I am sure that she had done it before and, in fact, had gotten quite good at it. I’ll give even odds that she’s probably done it since.

Anyway, hopefully this entry exercised that demon. For those of you with the decency to leave this creature be, you may have a little curiosity knowing at your consciousness but, unlike the travesty that is TUBGIRL, it will eventually pass. For those of you who are so sick and demented that you just can not resist the temptation to seek her out: May God Have Mercy On Your Soul.

18 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I refuse to go look at her to confirm this, but I've been told that certain private parts of her are blurred so that it passes Asian porn criteria. It's the most disgusting thing out there that I've ever seen.

RR

4:42 PM  
Blogger JEP said...

It is true....and after spending three years in Japan with the navy, I know my Asian porn criteria.

4:53 PM  
Blogger asdfasdf said...

I have seen tubgirl as well. I stumbled upon it while researching hidden easter eggs from gamefaQs.com (a video game website which was infamous for (now) banned users posting that link on dead game boards). But from what I has been told, it's not diarrhea that she is shooting from her ass. It is a yellow juice of some sort injected in there specifically to be shot out. So putting that much more cheerful image in my head, I can honestly say that I have seen worse (unfortunately).

4:09 AM  
Blogger JEP said...

Well Tony, whether it be yellow juice or liqua-sh**, there is still a chain of events that lead up to that incident that has to have been incredibly disturbing, and quite honestly, knowing that her posterior fountain is likely jus de mango does little to decrease its shock value to me. It is still the most twisted thing I have ever seen.

8:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't be such a wimp. You cannot truly appreciate the beautiful things in this world until you have seen tubgirl. Tubgirl should be shown in schools.

9:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello I know this is late but...

I just visited the tubgirl vs goatse debate site. And I would like to add in my two cents here.

Tubgirl is my hero, she has saved my life, and has brought me soo much joy. You will never know what its like to send over 50 horney male teenagers that like to have cyber sex, a picture of some "hot girl in a tub acting very, very dirty", which in turn is an image of a woman shooting shit five feet into the air and back into her mouth.

It also helps to prepare you for the horrors of life and the internet. A lot of people on the internet host and trick you to these horrible sites and images, but tubgirl prepares you for that. Tubgirl also keeps you sane believe it or not. I thank tubgirl for preparing me for the horrors that are to come in the future that awaits me (I'm only 15).

Anyways... Thank you tubgirl, you saved my life and brought me joy, at the expense of wanting to never be born for only a few days.

Thank you tubgirl! My hero!

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tubgirl is my lover. she is so sexy she can call me anytime!!!!!

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.tubgirl.com

6:13 PM  
Anonymous Viking FBM said...

It's true that "That which must not be Named" is the most distrubing image I have ever seen. Primal sreaming seems to be a popular theme, and it is a justified reaction to this abomination. Incidently I nearly broke the nose of the guy who showed it to me. For me it was scream, punch and flee to a pub to blind myself with whiskey.

7:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you guys think this is bad, you must not surf the net

10:46 PM  
Anonymous G(o)A said...

|This is relatively tame for a lot of stuff that is on the net, I don't see what the fuss is about? Sure it's pretty disgusting, but at least it's her own - try rolling in horse crap and eating it, then giving the animal a bj (things like this are everywhere and IMO far more disturbing). Get over it, watch a soldier get his head sawn off with a knife and come back here and still say that tubgirl is the worst/most disturbing thing on the net... peace, love, perversion| TH!EF-CL4N

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laugh until I cry...

9:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with the poster above, the soldier getting his head sawn off is by far the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. And even then I didn't have the guts to watch it in fullscreen mode, just like an easily scared person watches horrormovies through his/her fingers I resized the media player into a 3x3 inch square and even then I had to turn it off before it ended itself.

This is peanuts, something to laugh at with your buddies at work.

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If disturbed or excited by the "hole" tubgirl phenomenon. why remain anonymous as some of you sick fu*** who enjoy gawping and drooling of pictures as sick as. You are the lowest of the low anyone with a sane mind would never want to witness such a picture it violates any form of discrimination. I'm not put off by the picture, freaked out as i've seen so much of this sh** on the internet already it goes to show the internet happens to be possibly one of the worst places to be these days. few will agree with me, that is my concern.

thanks.

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tub girl is the schit

5:08 AM  
Blogger butch3r said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:50 AM  
Blogger butch3r said...

yeah I stumbled on this through underculture but I found these on another site. I'm not sick though, all these sicken me at the pit of my stomach, but how can you not take a look at what some people are capable of. I found these site on a parody of wikipedia site

1) Tubgirl
2) GoatSe
3) LemonParty
4) Eel 1 and Eel 2

oh. I am definitely feeling sick now.

2:50 AM  
Anonymous A Weathered Internet User said...

Really, Tubgirl isn't as bad as a lot of sites that I have seen. Things such as SWAP.AVI, BME Video, Goatse.cx, among others are loads worse than this. Something such as orange juice flying through the air and landing on that person's face is child's play.

I'm sorry that you had stumbled upon this on the internet, because now people think that Tubgirl is really that bad. If you want sick, check out those sites that I mentioned. If you want something that is lame enough to scare middle school kids, keep to Tubgirl.

8:21 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

The JEP Report Store Reader Sites
  • Inflammable Hamster
  • Right Michigan
  • Great Writing