Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Albanian Organized Crime Goes Out With A Bang

Riza Malaj, an Albanian underworld kingpin, alleged murderer, armed robber, batterer of education directors and an embarrassingly mediocre fisherman, succumbed today to injuries he sustained after a spectacularly unsuccessful attempt at illegally harvesting local trout using Filipino angling tactics. Apparently, the dynamite he was using exploded prematurely removing both of his hands, his eyesight and any chance he ever had of meeting a romantically desperate death in an epic gun battle with elite police commandos. Now, instead of his death becoming intertwined with the glorious lore of the lawless Albanian north, he can now expect to be the subject of ridicule by bawdy Balkan barroom bards from Bosnia to Belgrade. I’m sure there’s Limericks being sung around Tirana right now that probably go something like:

Riza, a bad Balkan brute,
When fishing was less than astute,
He fell for the ruse,
Of a dynamite fuse,
So his scrotum was blown to Beirut.


Riza was a bad criminal hack,
Excelling in violent attack,
To increase his clout,
He threw bombs at poor trout,
But the fish threw the friggin’ things back.

He should have stuck to robbing banks and left the poaching to professionals.


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