Monday, September 03, 2007

For the Football Fans:

It is a sports story that is hard not to be inspired by.

Sometime over the summer, one of the most respected college football teams in the United States went out looking for a sacrificial lamb that they could trounce on national television as a warm-up to their real competition in a few weeks. To ensure a victory, they chose a paltry, little-known school in the mountains of North Carolina and offered them almost half a million dollars to help convince them to come to their campus and get beaten bloody by a team that would almost certainly be playing their third-stringers by halftime.

That was an awful lot of money for a little school, so they took the bait. Instead of resigning themselves for the inevitable however, they watched the films, noted what they believed to be weaknesses in their opponents’ strategy and trained to exploit them. When game day arrived, they were accorded so little respect that the national networks did not even bother to broadcast the game. The match was aired on a fledgling network that focused exclusively on the conference they would be playing against.

Still, this team sprinted right out of the gate and lunged at their opponents like their lives depended upon it. Despite the odds, they scored some early successes in the first quarter, even managing to get a touchdown which was probably initially regarded by their opponents’ fans as little more than dumb luck. These little guys from North Carolina though would not let them stay in denial for long however, for they owned their opponents during the second quarter.

They hit their opponents hard and mercilessly, driving them deep into the dirt and then dancing upon their graves. Before halftime, they scored 21 more points and allowed their adversaries one measly field goal. As the half ended, the stands were silent as over one hundred thousand of the most zealous fans realized that their cherished team was sinking faster than Tony Soprano in a cement Speedo.

The fans did get a little reassurance in the third quarter as their defense regrouped and kept those feisty bumpkins to a solitary field goal, but the visiting defense never let up and kept the home team to a single touchdown and a field goal. It was the fourth quarter though that really got exciting.

The visiting offense was getting tired and the defense was getting beat up. The home team finally rallied and, with 4 minutes and 36 seconds left in the game, took a one point lead. In a truly Herculean response though, the visitors managed to march down the field just enough to launch a 24 yard field goal that put them back on top with a mere 26 seconds left on the clock.

Then the unthinkable happened to the little team from North Carolina. A couple of solid plays by their opponents put the heavily favored home team into field goal range. With absolutely no time left to respond, all they had accomplished on the field looked lost. They had made a giant effort and earned the respect of the nation but in the end, it appeared as if they would still leave the field with a heartbreaking loss. As the home team snapped the ball, they had established themselves as true gladiators even though they were facing down almost certain defeat.

But then someone on the offence missed an assignment and against the odds, the visiting team blocked the kick. The won the game and left the entire country reeling and applauding what could very well be the greatest upset in college football history.

Their accomplishment was astounding. It was uplifting. It was inspiring, joyous and miraculous. How could anyone not love these exceptional players for pulling off one of the greatest wins to ever grace the world of collegiate football? The answer to that question is quite easy actually. THEY ACCOMPLISHED THIS FEAT AGAINST THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN FREAKIN’ WOLVERINES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

I LIVE IN FREAKIN’ MICHIGAN! OUR FOOTBALL OPTIONS ARE RATHER LIMITED, PLAYING HOST TO LACTATING MATT MILLEN AND HIS PATHETIC LIONS! THE WOLVERINES ARE THEY ONLY THING I’VE GOT WHEN IT COMES TO FOOTBALL! DOES ANYONE OUT THERE REALIZE HOW LONG THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE FOR ME NOW?!?! DO YOU?!?! ALL I ASK FOR IS TO HAVE ONE FOOTBALL TEAM THAT I CAN RELY ON! ONE! AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?!?! WHAT IN THE WORLD HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!?! WHAT?!?! I MEAN…SON-OF-A-BITCH!...WHO ARE WE GOING TO LOSE TO NEXT?!?! THE MARY KAY INSTITUTE’S BADMINTON LEAGUE???

Man, this is EXACTLY the kind of thing that breeds atheists.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

THOSE LOUSY, ROTTEN, DIRTY, MONKEY HUMPIN', GOAT MOLESTING, PILLOW BITIN' BUTT PIRATE SON'S A BITCHES! HOW DO YOU LOSE TO A BUNCH OF GODDAMN HILLBILLY, SISTER LOVIN', CORN SQUEEZIN', COSUIN MARRIEN' SIX FINGERED, BACK HOLLERS YOKELS!?
NOT SINCE 1968 HAS A TOP TEN RANKED TEAM FALLEN OUT OF THE TOP 25! HELL, TOP TEN, TRY TOP 5! NOT SINCE 1960 FREAKIN' 8 HAS MICHIGAN BEEN UNRANKED! DAMMIT, I WASN'T EVEN ALIVE THEN!
I WANT LLLLLOYD CARRS HEAD ON A PIKE AT THE GATE OF ANN FREAKIN' ARBOR. I WANT HIM DRAWN AND QUARTERED. HE IS A DISGRACE TO HIS FAMILY, SCHOOL, STATE, COUNTRY AND PLANET. I'M THINKING PROBABLY THE SOLAR SYSTEM TOO.
I LIVE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA. IF ONE MORE DIRTY FOOTED, SHIT WIG WEARIN', SPOTTED OWL TONGUE KISSIN', GRANOLA EATIN', HEMP WEARIN', BURNING MAN ATTENDING, KUCINICH VOTIN' ASS HOLE WHO DOESN'T EVEN FOLLOW SPORTS ASKS ME "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY "BOYS" AGAIN, I'M GONNA TWIST OFF THEIR PACHULI OIL WEARIN' NOGGIN!
HI EVERYBODY, MY NAME IS SACTO RITCH, I'M FROM MICHIGAN, AND I NOW HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM. "HI RITCH"
TWELVE STEPS MY ASS! I'M GONA TAKE TWELVE RUNNING STEPS AND KICK LLLLOYD CARR IN THE JIMMY!
I'VE NEVER SAID THIS BEFORE, BUT, GO STATE!

SactoRitch

12:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome back Jep. I look forward to the reads.

Vince in Dallas

8:49 AM  
Blogger JEP said...

Ritch:
That was inspiring until you got to the part that read: "Go State".

You sir, are now dead to me. At least for a week.

Vince:

Thank you sir! Glad to be back but don't know for how long. I appreciate you still checkin' in!

8:20 PM  

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