Friday, December 10, 2004

Office Party Etiquette

As stated in the Genesis posting on December 4th, my entire department was laid off a few weeks ago. Last night was the farewell / annual holiday party for everyone so, needless to say, I did not do a whole lot of thinking about my entrepreneurial internet experiment yesterday. Today is not looking good either. Once again, I woke up on the couch this morning in an excruciating condition, mentally battered, physically drained and utterly clueless about how a rolled up $5 bill found its way into the waistband of my BVDs. If my company had a more liberal policy towards Monday / Friday absenteeism, I certainly would have spent a good eight hours becoming better acquainted with daytime television and Ibuprofren.

All was not lost however. Last night was a great learning experience and, as I’m always eager to pass on useful tips to my two hardcore fans, please find enclosed some tips on office party etiquette.

The bartender is your friend, at least until the savage pagan scallywag attempts to cut you off. The bartender should be treated like royalty, spoken to with respect and tipped often. If you have the tragic misfortune of being served by one who has such incredibly poor judgment as to try and cut you off however, extreme measures are not only socially acceptable….they’re expected. The proper etiquette for dealing with a flippant gin jockey is to immediately begin to Tazer his sorry posterior once every 45 seconds until he breaks out into hysterical fits of uncontrollable sobbing or incontinence has been induced. Then start tasering him every 30 seconds until he gets the happy juice flowing again. I am not sure where this little-known article of etiquette originated from; I think I first heard of it while watching a Martha Stewart segment on The Food Channel. Is it legal? Probably not. Is it fun? Incredibly so. As a matter of fact, it’s about as much fun as you can possibly have while keeping your clothes on.

If you cannot be responsible, at least be entertaining. Controlled acts of wanton mayhem, contrary to conventional wisdom, can be an asset to one’s longevity in a corporation. Now, if you are a person who knows your limits but still opts to exceed them with wild abandon, you need to ensure that your antics are amusing and not just offensive. That way your colleagues will look to you as the life of the party and not just an obvious candidate for a six-week holiday in the Courtney Love Suite at the Betty Ford Clinic. You become a morale builder, crucial to maintaining the emotional well being of a corporation’s human resources. For example, if you exceed your stomach’s tequila-threshold and suddenly spew Technicolor laughter all over your boss’s plate of Chicken Oscar, little good will come of it. You will become an instant pariah, held at arm’s length throughout every future company gathering. Trying to blame it on bad gouda will only make matters worse. If you manage to leave the table and get violently sick into the aquarium however, your name will spread like wildfire throughout the entire company with extremely negative connotations, especially if the said aquarium is located in your boss’s house instead of in a restaurant. Hurling into the aquarium while singing an off-key rendition of Canadian rock superstar Gordon Lightfoot’s anthem of maritime tragedy “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” however, will make you an instant legend. You will be lauded for your creativity, admired for your self-depreciating assessment of a bad situation and become a “must-have” accessory for every upcoming bachelor party from that point forward. Every-one is going to want to party with you!

NEVER entrust your emergency bail fund to the care of your best friend. Your best bet is to leave your bondsman’s commission with a wannabee, someone who wants to be associated with your notoriety but is too much of a wuss to participate in the random acts of social irresponsibility that gained you your reputation. No matter how trustworthy, loyal or reliable your best wingman may be, it is impossible for him to make that early morning trip to the bail office when he is sitting in the cell beside you wondering aloud what the cops were going to do with the llama you liberated while you are spending your one phone call trying desperately to convince your mother to, if she’s not going to front you the $1500, at least come down to the county hoosegow and bring you a hacksaw and a pepperoni pizza.

Finally, always triple check the venue you are celebrating at for personal items before you leave. After 8 hours of savagely attacking your own liver, the last thing you want to do at the end of the evening is leave something major behind (dignity not included). No matter how resourceful you are, once the officer asks you to step out of the car, it is virtually impossible to conceal the fact that you have absolutely no idea where you had your pants last.
With these tips in mind, you should be able to ensure that this year's holiday is talk of the office for decades!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This type of post would make an excellent article on GAB. The benefit of an article is that it can be longer than a post. Also, if it ranks high enough in funny it gets featured on the home page of Zug. Put your website in your signature line (like Hargrave does) and you'll get lots of traffic here.


3:34 PM  

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