Tuesday, December 07, 2004

The Unholy Duck Fart

Here it is, my third posting to The JEP Report and I have yet to figure out what it is that I am actually supposed to be saying. While I try to determine what direction the blog should take, I would like to pass on a recipe to my loyal readers (or expressed lack thereof), that has played an invaluable role in the development of key experiences in my life and has helped mold me into the man I am today. This recipe is to a magical mind-bending elixir that arose, according to legend, from a sacred alchemist’s urn hidden deep within the darkest grounds of Ferris State University and has escaped its confines to wreak havoc all across the Great Lake State.
This concoction is known as the “Duck Fart”. Utter its name only with the deepest respect and caution. The Duck Fart is made of one third Crown Royal Whiskey, one third Kahlua and one third Bailey’s Irish Cream. Substitutions do NOT work. Mix all ingredients well and consume with wild abandon. It tastes like caramel but bites like a rabid ferret with a methamphetamine habit. Side effects include slurred speech, trouser-loss, domestic problems arising from aforementioned trouser-loss, pregnancy (also arising from aforementioned trouser-loss) and playfully seductive winks thrown your way from the hormonally deranged fur-bearing motorcycle enthusiast with a sweat gland disorder in the cell across the hall from you. Hallucinations are rare, but unexpected encounters with thirteen-foot-tall, three-headed, chainsaw-wielding Teletubbies are not unheard of.


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