Monday, February 27, 2006

Hillary Says "Karl Rove Obsessing About Me"

Washington - 2008 Presidential wannabe Hillary Clinton quipped early Monday that White House advisor Karl Rove and President Bush spend, “a lot of time obsessing about me.”

“That’s only partially true,” said an anonymous White House source close to the Oval Office. “George Bush could really care less. He’s got bigger things to worry about and, on his last term in office, running for re-election is not one of them. Karl Rove on the other hand does do a lot of obsessing about her. In fact, I dropped by his office unannounced once and caught him in, *ahem*, what I would term as a ‘private moment’. There were pictures of Mrs. Clinton taped up on the walls all around his desk. He was buck naked and watching a videotape of Hillary’s speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention while dripping hot candle wax on his nipples. He didn’t see me walk in at first but once he did, he shot me a look that made my blood run cold and said, ‘Are you bastards ever going to learn to knock or am I going to have to start charging you deviants admission?’”

Karl Rove is not the only Washington politico to be obsessing about Hillary Clinton. Policymakers on both sides of the aisle are apparently smitten by the former first lady. Former presidential hopeful John Kerry was rumored to have been apprehended outside of a window to her D.C. apartment with a high powered camera and pictures of her in various stages of undress were allegedly found on his computer. “The 700 Club” host Pat Robertson has also run afoul of New York’s anti-stalking law for camping out in a café Senator Clinton frequents hoping to catch a glimpse of her. “I can’t help it,” a tearful Robertson pleaded upon his arrest by members of the Secret Service. “No matter what I do she won’t return my calls!” Former House Speaker and 2008 presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich reportedly even has a tattoo of her. “Sure do!” Gingrich answered when asked about the body art. “It’s on my fanny captioned with the phrase ‘Born to Ride!’ In fact, (former Attorney General) Janet Reno liked it so much that she got one on her lower back. It only shows when she’s wearing her leather motorcycle chaps though.”

The Hillary obsession has even crossed oceans. French President Jacques Chirac was rumored to have told a visiting diplomat from Libya, “I’d tag that” while they were discussing her chances of victory in the 2008 presidential race. “It doesn’t really mean anything though,” the diplomat later expounded, trying to downplay the comment. “He said the very same thing about (former UN weapons Inspector) Hans Blix. Jacques is a very virile specimen.”

The Hillary obsession, though gaining momentum rapidly, is not yet universal. When asked about the phenomenon, former president Bill Clinton asked close friend and confidante James Carville, “Hillary? Was that the chick with the cigars or the one with the funky nose?”

“Neither. She was the one at your wedding that smelled like stale feet.” Carville replied.

Mouths of Babes

Last night, as I was internet surfing, my daughter, the sports fan, walked into my office and proclaimed, “I love the Detroit Red Wings, Dad. I’m going to marry them. All of them. I’m going to have a lot of men so that they can take care of all of my babies. I’m going to have lots of babies too. Then I’m going to marry Mason (her three-year-old brother).”

Naturally, I was quite surprised to find out my daughter was Mormon, but I took comfort in the fact that she was only five years old and things said like this are still supposed to be cute. I am sure that if she had made this proclamation at 16, I would have had under psychiatric care before breakfast time.

About ten minutes after informing me of her impending nuptials, my daughter went back upstairs to play with her brother. It was not long before I heard a loud crash followed by the unique sound of hard molded plastic coming into contact with a pre-schooler’s exposed flesh. I then heard Mason’s screams of pain and enragement. When these died down, there was a brief moment of silence followed by a blood-curdling primal scream that originated from the vocal chords of my daughter as she tearfully begged her brother to let go of her hair. Being a merciful soul, he apparently did and she immediately turned on him, sparking an all out brawl that, though I did not see it with my own eyes, was probably quite a spectacle based upon the audible assault I experienced from below. I probably should have stepped in and tried to stop the carnage at some point but I figured that I would just let it run its course. That way there would be at least one less wedding I would have to pick up the tab for and possibly a couple dozen, depending upon who came out of the melee on top.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Strip Tease

Along with blogging and writing the novel "Acid Pulaski", I dabble with cartooning a bit. Last year I submitted a comic strip idea, "Newberry U" for publication, but it didn't get picked up (I've publishished samples here...if anyone's interested in seeing the whole submission, e-mail me and I will send you the 38 strips I submitted...could always use critiqueing). Anyway, I came up with another idea for one so I'm playing with trying to draw the characters now. Figured I'd post them as they come just to keep posting regularly.

This would be a politically themed comic with the main characters being US government stereotypes. The cast is:

Then there's the bad guys (I still need to work on these, not happy with this one at all):

And then the front line agents for the War on Terror:

So far, I've got 24 strips written, I just need to perfect the characters then it should start showing up in The JEP Report.

I also nearly posted another recipe today, but it didn't quite turn out right. I couldn't even get the dog to eat it.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Man Forced To Marry Goat

Yet another hapless lover of animals gains internet superstardom by sleeping with a neighbor's livestock. Its kind of refreshing to know that Mississippi is not the only place grappling with this problem though. So, as customs of The JEP Report must be adhered to, here's a limerick in honor of Mr Tombe:
Now the news sounds completely absurd,
That hard time would be stopped or deferred,
And no blood would be shed,
'Stead you'd be forced to wed,
If you're caught out molesting the herd.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Bush Unaware of Port Deal Before Approval

Washington – As controversy brews over the proposed plan to sell US port management operations to a state run operation from the United Arab Emirates, it has now come to light that President George Bush was unaware of the deal until after it had been approved by the nation’s vetting process.

At yesterday’s press conference defending the sale President Bush was quoted as saying, “The UAE is an ally in the global fight against terrorism. The Dubai company in question is a stand-up corporation with unrivaled credentials that provides world class service around the globe. There is no reason this entity should be barred from running our parks.”

“Uhhh, ‘Ports’, Mr. President.” Corrected Vice President Dick Cheney, who was standing behind President Bush.


“Ports, sir. We’re selling the UAE the operations of our ports.”

“We sold them what!?!?!? You better be talking wine, Dick.”

The controversy surrounding the sale of port operations to the UAE has also brought several other impending deals under closer scrutiny, among them the sale of a facility that manufactures vaccines against anthrax to an Egyptian pharmaceutical company out Cairo. Though several congressional figures have spoken out publicly against the deal, Pashtun Medical Corporation has been uncharacteristically silent in regards to these developments. Pashtun CEO Ayman al-Zawahiri could not be reached for comment as, according to his secretary, he was on sabbatical somewhere along the Afghani / Pakistan border.

The impending financial bailout of Northwest Airlines by the Muhammad Atta Memorial Corporation of Saudi Arabia may also be in jeaporady.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Feeding the Frenzy

I saw a documentary a couple of weeks ago on wild cats that said most of them, particularly the big ones such as lions and tigers, communicate in large part with the scent of their urine. Now, evolution has allowed humans to come up with much more sophisticated (not to mention sanitary) means of transferring information between one another, though after watching clips of the press conferences presided over by presidential mouthpiece Scott McClellen in the wake of the vice president’s hunting accident, I can’t help but feel that the content of much of our contemporary communications has not changed much from the days when we were stalking the prairies in search of arthritic antelope. Indeed, had I found myself in the Press Secretary’s shoes, I wonder if I would have been able to repress my primordial urges and tell the media pool exactly what I think of them in a way not often seen outside of your baser internet pornography sites.

While listening to some of the comments from Mainstream Media journalists, the coverage of the Cheney shooting seems less about confronting the practices of a secretive administration and more about avenging elitist egos injured by losing a major scoop to a hayseed local paper on the Texan Gulf Coast far off of the national media’s radar. With their arrogant sense of self importance found suddenly in tatters, they seem to be lashing out to try to punish the White House for its impudence and refuse to let the story go. Even when the story first broke, I am pretty sure most of the US thought it little more than an amusing anecdote and did not believe the event would result in anything more than some remedial hunter safety courses for the vice president. Had things turned out worse for Mr. Whittington, and they certainly could have, the situation would almost surely have been different. Unfortunately for the parasitic press corps however, Mr. Whittington is going to be just fine so essentially, the story is turning out to be a dud, good for little more than a guilty chuckle for those of us who were not shot by Dick Cheney.

It’s far past time for the press to move on. We know that the vice president shot a man while hunting and we know that, since he was using a firearm and ammunition that was not likely to kill anyone unless the barrel was inserted deep inside of Mr. Whittington’s left nostril at the time the vice president pulled the trigger, we know that the victim is going to be all right. We know that the established press feels slighted because they were denied their scoop and frankly, we now know that there are really no more juicy developments that will emerge from this despite the traditional media’s manic attempts to make us believe that there is.

It seems to me that the press is now falling into the same trap the Democratic Party has fallen into. Blinded by hatred for the administration, they seem to have embarked upon a quest to find the all encompassing scandal that will bring President Bush off of his dais in disgrace, which Quailgate most certainly is not. The press is making mountains out of molehills, which erodes their credibility among the American mainstream. In the meantime, they miss prime opportunities to cover real issues and bring the public’s attention to real policy weaknesses. I have written before that a strong and credible opposition to the ruling party is crucial to a healthy democracy to keep the electoral victors from becoming victims of their own excesses. The same goes for the press, who I believe to be on the verge of being marginalized to the point of irrelevance like the Democratic Party has. Unfortunately, their arrogance is leading them headlong towards this end.

While the White House press corps was gnashing its teeth in ire over being sidelined last week over the Cheney shooting incident, the news emerged that the responsibility for running the day-to-day operations of American ports was being sold to a state-run company of the United Arab Emirates, a nation from a part of the world that is not known for having the security of the United States high on the list of its priorities. This bears some looking into and though this news is over a week old, it is just now starting to get some attention. On the surface it sounds fairly ominous so the press could really have a field day with it and bring some extra attention to a transaction that could probably use it. To be fair though, there aren’t any American companies that do this type of work that I know of and the UAE is actually fairly pro-American, providing no more anti-American zealots to the world scene than Massachusetts does. Still, there are anomalies that beg higher scrutiny. The UAE has the dubious honor of having given us Marwan al-Shehhi, the man who piloted United Airlines Flight 175 into the south tower of the World Trade Center on September 11th and provided the plot some critical financial support through its banking institutions. The US however has recently given the UAE Michael Jackson, so we can almost call it even.

In short, the American public needs information, not incitement and the press could go a long way in providing us with some meaningful reporting on something other than the vice president’s sub-standard hunting skills.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Latest Bin Laden Tape Released

Cairo – Arab news television channel al-Jazeera broadcast an audiotape of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden Sunday where the world’s most hunted fugitive vowed to never be taken alive.

This latest bin Laden tape was actually received and partially released by al-Jazeera last month, who was unable to broadcast the message in full for fear of Arab backlash if they tried to pre-empt regularly scheduled programming of shows such as “Desperate Housewives” and “American Idol”. Al Jazeera believed that Arab audiences (not to mention Bryant Gumbel) would be less enraged by an interruption of 2006 Winter Olympics coverage, figuring that most of their viewers are as ignorant of snow sports as they are about the machinations of free speech.

Though there are sure to be thousands of militants around to hang on the al Qaeda leader’s every word, there was little on the tape of any real interest to the western world. At one point he vowed that he would never be taken alive, but as Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld put it, “That’s what all the big guys say when the marines aren’t around. Once they’re pulled out of their grimy little spider holes though, they’re wanting their mamas and forgetting all that potty training they were taught as children. It’s the little guys, the rank and file grunts, that go all the way. Al Qaeda’s leadership just talks tough until they realize we’re going to take their press coverage away.”

Bin Laden did however issue the same list of demands he has been, well, demanding since before 9/11. He wants a full withdrawal of non-Muslim troops from Middle Eastern soil, the obliteration of Israel, the adaptation of Sharia Law worldwide, a kosher KFC and nude pictures of the Olsen twins. Former President Jimmy Carter seemed to suggest that President Bush should at least consider granting some of bin Laden’s demands as a goodwill gesture. “At least give him the pictures of the twins. That would do us all a little good.”

When informed of Carter’s comments, President Bush produced one of his trademark pauses before saying, “I ain’t got any pictures of the Olsen twins. If he’s interested though, the Department of Homeland Security has a pretty good portfolio of Janet Reno in a wet t-shirt. Or was that Andy Rooney? Sh**, I never could tell those two apart.”

Sunday, February 19, 2006

A Taste of Something Different

Well, this is a little departure from the usual content here on The JEP Report, but I invented something last night that was just too awesome to keep to myself.

In addition to my hobbies of trying to acquire a debilitating case of cirrhosis and my passion for fishing, I also like to cook. It’s the way I maintain my girlish figure (or rather, the figure of a girl who forgot to take her birth control pill on prom night anyway). Last night I created a dish, two actually, that was the epitome of culinary ecstasy. If any of you are so inclined, I would highly recommend you give it a try what follows is the recipe:


1 lb bow tie pasta.
1 lb bacon
2 chicken breasts
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 yellow bell pepper
1 large hot Hungarian banana pepper
3 Mild Pepperonicci
1 red onion
3 green onions
1 can Chipotle peppers
6 cloves garlic
1 stick margarine
1 pint half and half
7 – 8 pitted Greek black olives
1/3 cup balsalmic vinegar
2/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
4 oz crumpled feta cheese
2 bottles Heineken beer
dried cilantro


1. Cook bacon in large skillet, eat four pieces then chop the rest into small pieces.
2. Cut green, red, and yellow peppers.
a. Cut half of pepper in thin long strips and place in bowl for chicken dish.
b. Dice other half in fine, small pieces for pasta salad.
3. Cut Hungarian banana pepper into small pieces for pasta salad.
4. Cut red onion in half.
a. Cut half of onion in thin long strips and place in bowl for chicken dish.
b. Dice other half in fine, small pieces for pasta salad.
5. Dice black olives and place in bowl for pasta salad.
6. Dice pepperonicci and place in bowl for pasta salad.
7. Remove 4 chipotle peppers from can and dice, putting into bowl for the chicken dish.
8. Dice green onions and set aside separate from the pasta salad and chicken vegetables.
9. Mince garlic. Place half in bowl for chicken dish, other half in bowl for salad.
10. Dice chicken breasts into cubes and cook in a large skillet in 1/3 cup of olive oil over medium high heat. When done put in a separate bowl with half of the cooked bacon bits.
11. Sit back on couch for a couple minutes, drink 1 Heineken to kind of get your culinary groove on while watching reruns of Law and Order: SVU on TBS.

Chicken Dish

Bring 4 quarts of water to a boil, add bowtie pasta.
Melt stick of margarine in a large skillet, add one cup half and half. Bring to a boil then reduce heat to a simmer, stirring constantly for about 20 minutes until sauce starts to thicken slightly, (Sauce will not get real thick).
After 10 minutes, add bowl of vegetables for the chicken dish to the skillet with as much of the sauce (red adobo) from the can of chipotle peppers as possible (2-3 teaspoons)
When pasta is done, strain and toss to remove excess water. Take 1/3 of pasta and throw in skillet. Add chicken and bacon and cook over medium heat for five or six minutes or until chicken is warm.
Dish up on plates or bowls, sprinkle with cilantro and half of chopped green onion.

Pasta Salad

1. Take remaining pasta and rinse with cold water until cool to the touch. Toss to remove excess water and then place in large mixing bowl.
2. Add bowl of finely diced vegetables, 1/3 cup of balsalmic vinegar, 1/3 cup of olive oil, feta cheese, remaining green onions and mix thoroughly.
3. Serve immediately or chill.
4. Drink remaining Heineken as reward for a job well done

Bon Appetit!

Now I just have to come up with a name for my creations and reassure my readership that , yes, I am really straight.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

What is the Meaning Of The Internet?

I can't really expound much upon this....the link kind of speaks for itself.

Friday, February 17, 2006

UN Urges US to Close Gitmo Detention Facility

Geneva – A UN report today urged the United States to close down its terrorist detention facility in Guantanamo Bay Cuba and strongly suggested that either the US release all detainees or bring them to trial. The report was composed by special investigators from Austria, Argentina, New Zealand, Algeria (apparently a stalwart champion of human rights causes when the government is not too busy torturing, raping and indiscriminately massacring rebellious villagers in its remote interior) and Pakistan (many of whose citizens aspire to be inmates in Guantanamo some day).

When asked about what the administration thought about the report from the UN, one high-ranking official of the State Department replied, “U-who?”

“No, those were the guys who won the Grammy for that Vertigo album,” replied another high ranking diplomat standing closely behind the first. “The guy’s asking about the UN. You know, those guys that do….well, they do…Hell, I’m not sure what it is that they do.” The official then flagged down a foreign diplomat who just happened to be passing by and asked if he knew what it was the UN did.

“Sure beats the hell out of me…” answered the diplomat, who turned out to be from Rwanda.

The report issued by the United Nations initially provoked little reaction from many American politicians. “They did what?” asked US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld when informed of the report. “Hehehehehe….Those people are just so cute when they get their panties all up in a bunch.”

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice thought them less cute and immediately traveled to the UN building in New York to make a motion to institute mandatory drug testing on United Nations personnel before they were issued a computer to write up human rights reports. She made two other motions before the General Assembly that afternoon. In addition to the drug testing, she moved to have the Secretary General urge the delegate from France to refrain from putting his hand on her knee while she was addressing the assembly and, after Kofi Anan ordered French Foreign Secretary Dominique de Villepin to remove the offending appendage, moved to have another resolution passed to make him take it off of her thigh.

This last resolution was indeed passed but, as the UN was being characteristically reluctant to enforce it, Secretary Rice acted unilaterally and devastatingly planted a stiletto high-heeled shoe in the French Foreign Minister’s groin. The French Foreign Minister protested this blatant display of American unilateralism in very strong, albeit very high-pitched, language. “$#!%*& dyke…” de Villepin gasped as he was being loaded onto a gurney on his way to undergo surgery to have his left testicle removed from his larynx. The vast majority of the General Assembly echoed de Villepin’s sentiment, aghast at what they saw as Secretary Rice’s arrogance and enthusiasm to resort to violence without a unanimous international consensus.

Protests against Secretary Rice’s unilateral actions were not confined to the international community. Senator Ted Kennedy emerged from a cognac coma long enough to deride the Secretary of State for not exhausting all diplomatic avenues before resorting to violence. He also expressed his condolences to de Villepin and wished him a full and speedy recovery, expressing fraternal solidarity with the French Foreign Minister by stating, “I know what Monsieur de Villepin is feeling right now.”

“He sure does,” responded the Massachusetts senator’s ex wife, Virginia. “When you follow the Kennedy tradition of trying to feel up the help after a few shots of Jaegermeister, you have the tendency to get kicked in the ‘gnads a lot. Yes, Senator Kennedy knows EXACTLY what the French Foreign Minister is going through.”

An official response to the UN report from the United States came Thursday afternoon at a press briefing by White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “The UN can pretty much go pack sand.” He said before leaving the podium in what may easily have been the shortest press briefing in White House history.

Predictably, the administration’s response provoked instant outrage among the international community, outrage that caused the administration to soften its tone and extend a conciliatory gesture towards the United Nations a little later in the evening. At an impromptu press conference held at a Maryland Appleby’s restaurant where members of the media found George Bush elbow deep into a platter of baby back ribs, the president apologized for McClellan’s bluntness and said, “All of us in my administration apologize for my press secretary’s brash response. In fact, the vice-president is so disturbed by the way things have turned out that he would like me to extend a personal invitation to Kofi Annan to accompany him on a moose hunting expedition in Minnesota next week.”

When asked if his softened tone meant that he would at least consider closing the detention facility in Cuba, the president thought to himself for a long moment before responding, “No, the UN can pretty much go pack sand on that one.”

United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan could not be reached for comment regarding the president’s latest comments or whether or not he would accept Vice President Dick Cheney’s invitation to join him on a moose hunt. UN spokespeople explained he was being fitted for Kevlar undergarments before embarking on a flight to an undisclosed location, out of eyeshot, and consequently firing range, of the American vice president.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Riots Persist in Pakistan, Spurned on by Islamic Extremists or Militant Vegans

I'm going to try this parody news stuff for a while until I think of something better...or the readers cry, "Uncle!"
Lahore – Muslim protesters stormed a diplomatic compound in Lahore in a continuance of the religious strife sparked by the publication of cartoon depicting the prophet Muhammad in a Danish newspaper that many in the Islamic world have deemed blasphemous. The carnage in Lahore has so far claimed a McDonald’s restaurant, a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise and a Norwegian telecommunications store in what has been proclaimed as a savage blow against decadent western capitalism in this deeply traditional and devout society. To further emphasize their point, rioters also paraded a statue of Ronald McDonald through the streets before burning it in effigy, bring joy to coulrophobics across the globe.

It may seem confusing to some how two American fast food restaurants and a Norwegian cell phone kiosk could be connected to a Danish newspaper cartoon, but there appears to be little tradition of logical thought in this part of the world where a significant portion of the population is schooled in madrassas, where the educational emphasis is on memorizing the Koran and traditional scholastic subjects such as reading, writing and arithmetic are virtually ignored. This lack of curricular diversity becomes spectacularly obvious when interviewing those participating in the unrest. Several illiterate rioters were severely burned while trying to torch western businesses, apparently unable to read the warnings on the books of matches they were using that begged them to “Close cover before striking.”

One man, identified as Hr4p# (due to him being blessed with a name that proved just as difficult for him to spell as it was for this reporter to pronounce), emerged from the burning McDonald’s with his arms full of food and a beaming smile to announce, “This will teach the infidels to soil the name of the prophet with their blasphemous drawings! What makes them think they have the right to disrespect our religion and us, us poor Muslims who never did any harm to anybody?” Hr4p#’s eyes then darted around nervously as he reached into the bundle of looted food beneath his arm to retrieve a Big Mac made with 100% American beef. With an almost pleading expression on his face, Hr4p# then asked, “You know where I can find a Hindu to eat this in front of?”

Amazingly, Hr4p# was one of the better informed rioters. A man named Ismael knew he was protesting cartoons, but thought the aim of their effort was to get Garfield withdrawn from the local newspaper. “Twenty years of jokes about lasagna is too much. Enough already!” Amir, another rioter, thought their protests were a call to Bill Waterson to emerge from retirement to resurrect the strip Calvin and Hobbes. He claimed that he could be persuaded to stay home in peace however if someone would be kind enough to send him one of those “pissing Calvin” rear window stickers for his taxicab. Others were incensed because another, lesser known, scandal broke at the time of the Danish cartoons when the Pakistani press leaked that the Simpson’s character Apu, was not in fact a Pakistani Muslim but instead an Indian Hindu. Up until that revelation, Apu had been a role model in the area surrounding Lahore and was revered as a national hero.

Not all of the rioters were concerned with the Danish cartoon however. Some were participating in the violence for purely secular reasons. Abu Bhutto, one of the men who initially firebombed the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise, denied being disturbed by the Danish drawings depicting the prophet Mohammad. “I just wanted the extra crispy recipe chicken.” When asked if he had been goaded by al Qaeda or Taliban elements to commit the attack he shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and answered, “Yes. They want the extra crispy recipe too. And a couple of cole slaws.”

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Saddam Hussein on Hunger Strike

What the hell…making up news is much more fun than actually reading it.

Baghdad - Saddam Hussein announced during his trial that he was embarking upon a hunger strike to protest the conditions of his trial. The former Iraqi dictator claims that the court is operating with an inherent bias against him and his trial has been ongoing despite glaring irregularities in the proceedings.

Procedural irregularities have occurred regularly with the latest coming with the installation of a new judge to oversee the trial last January. Upon taking the bench, Chief Justice Raouf Abdel-Rahman asked Saddam how he wanted to plea, to which the former dictator replied, “Not guilty”. Judge Abdel-Rahman then stood up and exclaimed, “Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!” pronounced the defendant guilty, sentenced him to death and told the court bailiff that he may fire when ready. Saddam Hussein’s immediate execution was prevented only when an Amnesty International representative threw one of the defendant’s attorneys into the line of fire to shield the former dictator while he decried a blatant and unforgivable miscarriage of justice. International observers then interjected and demanded a recess to allow the defendants and their attorneys to regain their composure, allow the judge to be instructed upon what a trial actually is, allow the bailiff to be told to not be so quick on the draw and allow the courthouse janitorial staff ample time to clean up the mess beneath Saddam Hussein’s chair while the defendant and his former henchmen changed into clean clothes and receive absorbent undergarments.

Chief Justice Raouf Abdel-Rahman blamed the circus following the foiled execution on occupational incompetence and western ignorance of Middle Eastern judiciary tradition. “We have been holding trials in Mesopotamia since the dawn of civilization,” Judge Abdel-Rahman explained later. “And in all that time we have discovered a basic tenet of judiciary procedure, lost to the west, that has allowed our system of justice survive throughout the centuries. That tenet is that the judge must get the accused before the accused gets the judge.”

This Middle Eastern model of justice, used with ruthlessness by Saddam Hussein himself to obliterate his political rivals, is the very institution he is now protesting by threatening to starve himself to death. According to prison officials speaking on condition of anonymity, Hussein began his hunger strike early this morning but few expected it to last much more than a few days. “He already tried to steal a Twinkie from the pocket of one of his guards after leaving the courthouse and, just two hours before dinner, he is in his cell sobbing hysterically and asking passerby if anyone could spare him a Cheeto. It’s really quite pathetic actually. You’d think he’d been smoking pot or something.”

Monday, February 13, 2006

Man Shot By Vice President Cheney

I am stunned and appalled by the media coverage of this incident. This story has the potential to provide some of the most entertaining copy of the year yet mainstream reporters, for once caught up in some weird fetish for accuracy and truth, are failing to see the inherent humor in this piece of news. Well, here at The JEP Report, I don’t have these hang-ups and offer you the story the way it SHOULD have been written:

Corpus Christi TX – Vice President Dick Cheney today shot his companion last Saturday after apparently mistaking the prominent Texan attorney for a quail. “Who can blame him?” asked Katharine Anderson, owner of the Anderson ranch, where the vice president was hunting. “I’ve seen the victim and let me tell you, his resemblance to a slow flying game bird is uncanny.”

Early reports of the incident had begun to filter out to the media Sunday evening and initial accounts of the event were filled with confusion and contradiction. At one point, the vice president had been placed under arrest for attempted murder after witnesses described Mr. Cheney as screaming, “I’M GONNA POP A CAP IN YO ALIEN A** YOU TWISTED MUTHA****A!!!” just before firing the shot that struck attorney Harry Whittington, 78, in the face and neck. The vice president was released after police learned that witnesses had mistaken the word “avian” for “alien” and deduced that Mr. Cheney’s statement was directed at a quail and not his hunting partner. Vice President Cheney was subjected to a toxicology screening anyway to confirm that he had no hallucinogens in his system as a technical precaution.

“I don’t care if he is the vice-president or not,” declared Sheriff Larry Olivarez. “I heard he used to hunt with Hunter S. Thompson on occasion and I want to be damn sure he didn’t pick up any bad habits from that $#!%?!# lunatic.” Sheriff Olivarez then showed off several scars on his posterior that he claimed were inflicted by Dr. Thompson in 1976. Court records show that Olivarez had indeed accused Thompson of shooting him in the seventies. Thompson initially apologized for the incident and claimed that Olivarez just got caught in the crossfire as the eccentric journalist was single-handedly fending off an extra terrestrial invasion of Woody Creek Colorado. He later retracted that account after the drugs had worn off and said that his shotgun accidentally discharged while he was shaving. Sheriff Olivarez, still obviously disturbed by the incident thirty years after the fact, later broke down in tears while talking to reporters and was hospitalized for post traumatic stress.

After the breakdown of Sheriff Olivarez, the head of the Texas Rangers, Capt. Ray Coffman, took the podium and offered a synopsis of the event. “After kicking up a covey of quail in a patch of tall grass, Mr. Cheney took aim at one of the fleeing birds and followed its path of flight, which caused him to point the barrel of the gun in the direction of Mr. Whittington, who was to the right of the vice president, before squeezing the trigger.”

Senator Ted Kennedy expressed harsh skepticism of Capt. Coffman’s account. “Nobody, but NOBODY, stands to the right of Dick Cheney! It’s an ideological impossibility!” Senator Kennedy has since announced that he will make a motion to appoint a special independent counsel to investigate the incident and appeared confident that President George W. Bush would be found to have somehow been behind it. Oliver Stone and Michael Moore both echoed his sentiment and media reports out of Los Angeles have cited that the men brawled in a Beverly Hills café over optioning film rights to the incident. Eyewitness accounts almost universally allude to Mr. Stone emerging from the melee as the victor. “Yeah, Michael Moore ran from the restaurant screaming like a bitch,” said Spago’s busboy Martin Ramirez on the condition of anonymity (which was refused after learning the little cretin spit in this reporter’s egg salad sandwich).

Harry Whittington is currently reported to be in stable condition and, according to hospital sources, expected to be released once he recants his promises to “stick a snakeskin boot up Squintin’ Dick’s sorry ass” and “go Howard Dean all over him” once he is able to get out of bed. There was no confirmation to the rumors that Harry Whittington telephoned Massachusetts Senator and former presidential candidate John Kerry from his hospital room to inquire about switching his party affiliation.

The White House at first tried to contradict hospital sources in regards to Mr. Whittington’s temperament towards the vice president following the shooting. “In fact, it is my understanding that Mr. Whittington would like to offer the quail involved in the incident to Vice President Cheney as a conciliatory gesture.” said presidential spokesman Scott McClellan during a rare Sunday evening press conference. He was corrected immediately afterwards by an aid standing nearby who said that Mr. Whittington’s enthusiastic desire to “give Squintin’ Dick the bird” was meant in more of a figurative, rather than a literal, way since Harry Whittington did not have possession of the quail that caused the shooting. The bird was wounded by Secret Service agents positioned near Mr. Cheney and taken into custody. When asked about the fowl’s fate, McClellan responded that the quail had been flown first to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation but had since been extradited to Egypt where it was suspected of biologically assaulting Hosni Mubarak’s limousine in 1999, acting upon the nefarious instructions of al Qaeda.

Amnesty International has protested the bird’s extradition. Amnesty alleges that American military personnel probably exhausted all legal means at their disposal to try to make the bird talk and once they realized they were failing, transported it to a nation that regularly employs torture to make terror suspects talk. The White House has vehemently denied those accusations but in response Amnesty International’s allegations, the European Union and United Nations have announced that they would reopen their investigation into whether the US is operating secret prison systems in former Soviet Republics and Middle Eastern countries.

The international implications of the incident have developed rapidly, but not so rapidly as to overshadow the plight of Mr. Whittington among Sunday evening television newsmagazine hosts. From the program “60 Minutes” to the talking heads gracing CNN and Fox News, pundit after pundit offered their opinions on what they believe Mr. Whittington’s future holds for him. As the shooting’s victim is an attorney, it is widely speculated that Mr. Whittington will indeed seek legal recourse against the vice president once he is discharged from his doctor’s care. It is also widely speculated that, as the victim is an attorney, the jury will likely exonerate Mr. Cheney, viewing the incident much less as a malicious crime than believing it to be a public service.

Mr. Cheney becomes the second American vice president to have shot a man while serving in office. On July 11, 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr killed political and personal rival Alexander Hamilton in duel held in Weehauken, New Jersey. “Apparently, Mr. Burr was a much better shot than the current office holder.” declared University of Michigan history professor, Mark DaVinci.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Notes From Indiana

Well, this week I had the pleasure of visiting the great state of Indiana. John Cougar Mellencamp was born there and I was reminded of that the minute I crossed the border when the first radio station I tuned into was playing “Cherry Bomb”. While driving from Angola to Seymour (the city I had to attend a business meeting in and coincidentally, the town that John Cougar Mellencamp was born in), I also heard “Jack and Diane”, “The Authority Song”, “Hurts So Good”, “I Need A Lover That Won’t Drive Me Crazy” and a bunch of other ones that I did not recognize but assumed to be the b-sides of the singles I knew. Now, I can’t say that I hate John Cougar songs (except for Jack and Diane – I hated it in the early 1980’s when it came out and I found that I still hate it now) but I have to admit that they begin to wear on you after a while. I have always found Indiana to be a great state with fine, friendly people but I would implore them to inject a little variety into their soundtrack. Maybe they should try a little Twisted Sister down there some time.

I also discovered while tooling down I-69, that Indiana also claims the actor James Dean and the cartoon character Garfield. I always thought the movie Giant to be a fine film so I can concede Indiana bragging rights on the actor they spawned, but after nearly thirty years of lasagna jokes, I think Garfield has grown more putrid and stale than the body parts Mr. Dean left behind in the mangled Porsche he ended up killing himself in.

So, what else can I say about Indiana? Well for all I saw of them, it boasts clean highway rest rooms. Also judging by all of the fireworks stores, Indianans seem to enjoy playing with explosives. I can’t blame them for this. Blowing things up is incredibly fun and from what I could see from the freeway, there didn’t look to be a whole lot of other things to do there in the middle of winter. They also have cheap cigarettes.

Though I did not see this personally, I have heard that marijuana grows wild and rampant in Indiana, which could provide some wildly entertaining behavior in the midst of state with an overabundance of fireworks stores. Legend has it that during World War II, the US government planted the stuff like crazy to harvest it for the fiber in which to make rope with. After the war, but before its official criminalization in the 1950s, the plants were essentially abandoned with no attempts being made to curb its spread to other areas. A former acquaintance of mine (who I had the pleasure of get arrested with in 1987), allegedly found out about this during another stint in the hoosegow for drunk driving and obtained a map of where he could find some. I heard that immediately after posting bail, he drove down there and filled his trunk up with the stuff only to get pulled over with a trunk full of grass, earning him a federal conviction for drug running on top of the citation he received for having failing to signal a lane change. I never did get hard confirmation on this story, but I still believe it. Chris was kind of a moron and no one that I know has heard from him since the early 1990s. I can say though, having spent fourteen hours in the Allen Park City Jail with him, he is a lot of fun to get arrested with….but that’s another epic that I just do not have time to write about right now.
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